it rained last night, a fantastically loud and dramatic thunderstorm. the cats came pelting up the back steps at high speed and clawing at the door to be let in. it was raining so hard that at first i thought that somebody had a garden hose and was aiming it on our deck – thats the noise it was making. i went and stood at the back door and watched it for a long time. the most delicious cold breeze came in with the storm and i opened up all the windows to let in the cool air and the thunder.
today its just as hot as ever.
yesterday was my first class. it looks like it will be fine and i like the prof. its a research methods/stats class so whatever. it looks like we wont be asked to do a whole lot and the prof has made it easy for us, easier than necessary i think – but i’m not going to complain about that at all.
i keep having this feeling that i dont fit in here. when i feel that i check in with myself – is there actual any reason to feel that? did something happen? erm, no. nothing. i’m just prepped to feel that way even if its not true. then i banish the thought. if anyone should feel like they don’t fit it should be the one guy in the program, but he fits in here perfectly as well.
thalia is sitting on my lap chewing on a slice of apple and drooling all down my arm.
i am quickly seeing the reality of the next couple years of my life – its going to be very full. yesterday my mom was trying to text me to ask about the girls first days of school and meanwhile i was trying to pack up a lunch for myself and figure out what room i was supposed to be and find a campus map online. i didn’t want to be rude to her but i simply did not have time to talk to her right then. yesterday morning was a rough one – thalia didnt sleep well so i was tired and she was tired and grumpy and when she is tired and grumpy she makes everything extra hard. i didn’t put any food in my mouth until 11:30 (again. like i said, its my new breakfast time. the only reason i’m eating any food right now is because i’m eating what was leftover from the girls lunches yesterday. most delicious.) and only because she had gone down for a nap, not because she actually left me alone long enough to get anything. then barb showed up and tried to make small talk with me and tell me about the book she was reading and i’m thinking, “i need to go to my first class and not be late and i’m not even 100% sure i know where the building is, please stop talking to me about your book because i don’t care and i just need to focus for 3 minutes.” and while i was half-assedly keeping up my end of the conversation i was skimming through the MEP Facebook page and discovered that my night class doesn’t start this week but starts next week instead. good find. i would have stayed on campus all afternoon and then tried to find the room and then been really pissed off at myself.
when i got home from class its was chaos time. that’s the dinner/bath/bedtime. its chaos time every night from about 5-8, give or take a half hour on either side. while im trying to help jim make dinner and stack the dishwasher i hear my phone ring. i have to ignore it because it is chaos time. turns out its my mom who probably wants to talk to me for 40 minutes about my first day at school.
(it’ll start there, but really it goes like this: we have to talk about how the girls are/how cordelia likes her hair/what people at school said about her hair/what somebody said at her job that was funny/what she saw the neighbour doing/its supposed to rain are there any clouds where i am/plans for when my aunt and uncle get here/plans about what shes going to cook for thanksgiving/she bought something random and useless for me that she saw somewhere and that i probably don’t want and when can she see me next time to give it to me (last time it was a ball of cheap and very ugly yarn. the time before that she tried to buy me a backpack. before that it was a horrifically neon green and yellow fake silk tunic thing.)/she saw something random and huge and wants to know if she should buy it for us. last time it was a desk. would we like a new desk? she saw one on sale and thought that i might like my own desk (??? where do i put it???) to do my school work at.)
i feel guilty for half a second about not answering the phone, knowing fully what the conversation would be like and dreading it, and then i have this thought, bright and clear in my head – i am an adult with three little kids and a household to clean/run and i’m in the middle of chaos time i cannot take my attention away from that, and why doesn’t she know that? why does she think that i can drop everything to talk to her at dinner time?
jim left at 6 to go to hockey and i argued with the girls about how its time to stop playing games and go brush their teeth while my boob was hanging out and thalia was crying and i was surveying the trashed kitchen and wondering what to do about it, and then vaguely remembering that the laundry was also still not put away so nobody had any clean underwear for the morning yet. blaze fought me hard – as is her way these days – about going to bed by herself. shes afraid to be alone and refuses to go to lay in her bed unless a parent is there with her. well when im the only one home and im wrangling all three of them i just cant do that. we settled on a compromise – i would come sit with her later if i could, and cordelia could read her some stories. frankly i don’t care what happens as long as they both stay in the room and stay quiet. so blaze lay in bed and coco sat on the rocking chair and read 2347825 books to her and i assume that they finally went to sleep but whatever, i had my hands full with a grumpy demanding toddler most of the evening.
and thats what the next five years will look like, only it will get harder in about two years time. im going to need to watch carefully to monitor myself for warning signs of ‘slow down! slow down now!” and probably warp the space-time continuum a bit here and there to make it all work.
i just looked down and Thalia has fallen asleep on the floor at my feet. i guess i’ll see if i can move her to bed so i don’t run her over with the desk chair.