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September 27, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 2:52 pm

i havent done a whole lot today – my sicky little girl is grumpy and she is not herself. she is wandering around crying mostly. i think shes going to have a second nap today.

i am on top of school stuff for this week so thats fine. its jims birthday tomorrow but tomorrow i wont be home until about 10:00. when i realized that, i jumped up and threw together a small, simple chocolate cake for today. the girls can decorate it when they get home from school. we will go to the corner store and buy whipping cream together after school and then they can help me make some sort of whipping cream icing thing. im thinking maple syrup flavoured. then i’ll give them a bucket of sprinkles and let them go at it. (this is always a good idea.)

today i cleaned the kitchen, mostly, but its not done yet and its about to get uncleaned by dinner prep. then  i tossed all the girls clothes out of the drawers, and did a seasonal switch-out. the summer stuff is out and the long-sleeves and long pants are left. anything too small or too stained or just butt-ugly is gone. gone! outta here. added to the “its leaving pronto” bag  a couple of no longer loved stuffed toys for good measure.

then i organized a bunch of small things, took care of little nagging tasks, scrubbed the bathtub and sink and toilet and held the baby while she cried (which is half the day, really). shes about to pass out in the carrier on my chest.

i should read all my anatomy stuff before tomorrow but i bet it wont happen. our presentation is finished and K is coming over tomorrow to go over it with me so we can practice it before we have to do it in front of a class. im a bit anxious because that means cleaning up enough to have company over. maybe i will put the guinea pigs away for the day – they basically live in their playpen thing in the corner (a large corner, since its a small apartment) of the living room all the time and while i am used to them there im sure it looks awful to everybody else.

Still left to do this week:
two concept maps (very quickly to become three after tomorrow)
read two more papers, something in the neighbourhood of 15 pages each i think.
look at our presentation before k shows up tomorrow
cat litter
clean up. everything.
figure out when glee club is that i just signed Cordelia up for. shes enrolled but i don’t know when it starts.
sew up knitted uterus and mail it. this thing is long overdue getting to its owner. i think i will take down the etsy shop i just can’t keep up with it now when people ask for things.


September 25, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 3:27 pm

turns out, going flat-out will get you a sore throat. who knew!?

i have a handle on this school thing. it is hard. it is a lot of work. but if i sacrifice ever having a clean home again, it’ll be fine. that is a good sacrifice i think – i feel like i am getting the better deal here. the place can be a mess and i can be a midwife. good deal.

its chilly and it makes me want wooly things. i sat on the floor of the girls room, reading a paper about how colour-blind racism, post-feminism and christionormativity intersect to make big abstract problems for lots of marginalized people (really. how is this going to help me get babies out of bodies!?) and while i worked my way through that giant chunk of academic-ness, the window was open and a crisp fresh breeze kept coming in and washing over my shoulders.  its lovely.

its bright and clear and sunny today. i have eaten food and the girls have eaten food and everybody is doing well, except for thalia who is a grumpy, sad baby with a runny nose and, i suspect, a copy of my sore throat. she slept so badly. she had a fever and woke up every 0.2 seconds to scream – just flat-out scream. all i could do was cuddle her and stroke her hair and rub her back and love her all up and wipe her tiny nose. she wanted to lay flat out on top of me – arms and legs dangling down to the side, hot little face pressed into my chest and wrapped in the sheets just like that. i think we slept a little while like that. jim very smartly left at the first sign of trouble and spent the night on the couch.

i had that feeling like i was going to crash – like i had been going flat-out for too long and i had to pull up soon or else it would all become a huge mess. i managed that. it was simple really – at the family dinner on Thurs i snuck away to a quiet room and read some other paper (decolonizing antiracisim this time…. again… babies out of bodies? how will this realistically help?) stepping away from the exhausting social family obligations was the right thing to do. jim sought me out and kept bringing me cookies. i got most of the paper finished and i recharged a bit.

i am happy to stay home today and noodle around. one paper down for this week, four to go. then theres all the slides to look at for anatomy, (it looks like im heading towards ‘drowning’ status soon for that one), finish up the project/presentation due wed, make up a handout for the class and coordinate with k so that we are done on time. maybe i’ll knock off another one later today. theres a dozen other things as well but i feel like today i have the luxury of letting them slide for the moment.

back to it. anatomy slides for as long as thalia allows.


September 22, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 9:52 am

i feel like i am going flat-out. yesterday was up at 7:30, get girls to school, (three weeks in and we haven’t been late yet thats a success right there) and then clean the kitchen and wash laundry and whatever household chores for three hours, then off to class, then a quick social thing where 8 of us went out for ice cream, then K and i sat in the grass, got bitten by tiny ants and worked out a plan of attack for our presentation next week. then 3 hours of anatomy (where i am not drowning yet thank god, but the guy in front of me looked a little pale) and walked out of the building at 9:30, so ready to shut off and go home.

got home. it was a giant mess, obviously, because when you are one parent home alone with three girls no cleanup can be done. (why did i spend three hours cleaning up so nicely this morning? wasted i tell you.) this is truly a two-parent-required crazy circus. girls are all in bed. jim makes the girls lunches, i drag my ass off the chair to go clean out the guinea pigs who have been waiting for three days to get clean bedding and its getting a little desperate in there. i love when i first clean them out, give them fresh hay and greens and they celebrate. they run around squeaking and leaping for half an hour.

we watch a show. we go to bed.

blaze shows up sometime in the middle of the night, feeling lonely and wanting to sleep in our bed. jim is up at 6:30 and gone and then its me and blaze and thalia in bed until 7:30 when i send her off to get dressed and wake up cordelia. i put off getting up as long as possible. the girls can get dressed and pack up their lunch boxes by themselves, i lay still and listen to them and try to not doze off again.

again, we get to school on time. then thalia and i go to the bank then the corner store picking up things – cat food, cat litter, hummus, and i made the decision to drop $9 on a pre-made meal thing of chicken and a chickpea salad and it was a good choice. its delicious. come home, feed cats, change litter, eat delicious chickpea and chicken salad.

today i am home all day and i have to sneak in some reading time. i have 2 big studies to read before tomorrow morning and im not quite sure when i will carve out time to do that. gotta get the girls to a drs appt at 2 and then we are going to grandmas for dinner. i am not looking forward to that.

thalia is wandering around singing to herself right now and its the sweetest thing. shes the happiest girl. this morning she found a headband with a pair of grey cat ears and was busy sitting on the floor really trying to get it on her head. i swear its the cutest thing i ever saw.

it is flat-out. and it feels awesome. i realized at some point yesterday, that i am happy – i am well and truly happy with this life right now. i haven’t felt that deeply satisfied for a while.



September 20, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 10:38 pm

i was mesmerized. and i want to make a dozen. right now.


September 17, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 8:26 pm

before mon:
read project paper – social justice

read textbook
look at what the hell im supposed to be doing for this project.
contact kaleigh to set up work time

before wed:

look at all anatomy slides and notes.
read CARL papers
look at CARL notes
make concept map of first week

before friday:
read differences papers, (i believe theres three?) make three positives and three negatives for each one.
re-write bio after papers.
pick quotes from papers that resonate with me, type them up, print and bring them to class


September 15, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 10:32 am

i dont have a lot of time – thalia is busy eating some dates in her high chair and i am stealing a few moments to give one last pass over to my critical reflection paper and then hit ‘print’.

some successes from yesterday

– i found the lecture room without getting terribly lost and panicked. only a little lost and not panicked.

– had a look at the anatomy slides and realized that i will not be totally lost drowning in that course either. i’m so glad I did grade 12 bio online last year, its all fresh in my mind. plus i have a crush on the prof already, she is awesome. This will be a good class.

– fed myself real food rather than trying to make the whole day on a slice of bread and two nectarines

– Felt that “oh shit” moment and quickly beat it back down.

– finished the critical reflection at lunch time, two days early.


September 8, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 9:53 am

it rained last night, a fantastically loud and dramatic thunderstorm. the cats came pelting up the back steps at high speed and clawing at the door to be let in. it was raining so hard that at first i thought that somebody had a garden hose and was aiming it on our deck – thats the noise it was making. i went and stood at the back door and watched it for a long time. the most delicious cold breeze came in with the storm and i opened up all the windows to let in the cool air and the thunder.

today its just as hot as ever.

yesterday was my first class. it looks like it will be fine and i like the prof. its a research methods/stats class so whatever. it looks like we wont be asked to do a whole lot and the prof has made it easy for us, easier than necessary i think – but i’m not going to complain about that at all.

i keep having this feeling that i dont fit in here. when i feel that i check in with myself – is there actual any reason to feel that? did something happen? erm, no. nothing. i’m just prepped to feel that way even if its not true. then i banish the thought. if anyone should feel like they don’t fit it should be the one guy in the program, but he fits in here perfectly as well.

thalia is sitting on my lap chewing on a slice of apple and drooling all down my arm.

i am quickly seeing the reality of the next couple years of my life – its going to be very full. yesterday my mom was trying to text me to ask about the girls first days of school and meanwhile i was trying to pack up a lunch for myself and figure out what room i was supposed to be and find a campus map online. i didn’t want to be rude to her but i simply did not have time to talk to her right then. yesterday morning was a rough one – thalia didnt sleep well so i was tired and she was tired and grumpy and when she is tired and grumpy she makes everything extra hard. i didn’t put any food in my mouth until 11:30 (again. like i said, its my new breakfast time. the only reason i’m eating any food right now is because i’m eating what was leftover from the girls lunches yesterday. most delicious.) and only because she had gone down for a nap, not because she actually left me alone long  enough to get anything. then barb showed up and tried to make small talk with me and tell me about the book she was reading and i’m thinking, “i need to go to my first class and not be late and i’m not even 100% sure i know where the building is, please stop talking to me about your book because i don’t care and i just need to focus for 3 minutes.” and while i was half-assedly keeping up my end of the conversation i was skimming through the MEP Facebook page and discovered that my night class doesn’t start this week but starts next week instead. good find. i would have stayed on campus all afternoon and then tried to find the room and then been really pissed off at myself.

when i got home from class its was chaos time. that’s the dinner/bath/bedtime. its chaos time every night from about 5-8, give or take a half hour on either side. while im trying to help jim make dinner and stack the dishwasher i hear my phone ring. i have to ignore it because it is chaos time. turns out its my mom who probably wants to talk to me for 40 minutes about my first day at school.

(it’ll start there, but really it goes like this: we have to talk about how the girls are/how cordelia likes her hair/what people at school said about her hair/what somebody said at her job that was funny/what she saw the neighbour doing/its supposed to rain are there any clouds where i am/plans for when my aunt and uncle get here/plans about what shes going to cook for thanksgiving/she bought something random and useless for me that she saw somewhere and that i probably don’t want and when can she see me next time to give it to me (last time it was a ball of cheap and very ugly yarn. the time before that she tried to buy me a backpack. before that it was a horrifically neon green and yellow fake silk tunic thing.)/she saw something random and huge and wants to know if she should buy it for us. last time it was a desk. would we like a new desk? she saw one on sale and thought that i might like my own desk (??? where do i put it???) to do my school work at.)

i feel guilty for half a second about not answering the phone, knowing fully what the conversation would be like and dreading it, and then i have this thought, bright and clear in my head – i am an adult with three little kids and a household to clean/run and i’m in the middle of chaos time i cannot take my attention away from that, and why doesn’t she know that? why does she think that i can drop everything to talk to her at dinner time? 

jim left at 6 to go to hockey and i argued with the girls about how its time to stop playing games and go brush their teeth while my boob was hanging out and thalia was crying and i was surveying the trashed kitchen and wondering what to do about it, and then vaguely remembering that the laundry was also still not put away so nobody had any clean underwear for the morning yet. blaze fought me hard – as is her way these days – about going to bed by herself. shes afraid to be alone and refuses to go to lay in her bed unless a parent is there with her. well when im the only one home and im wrangling all three of them i just cant do that. we settled on a compromise – i would come sit with her later if i could, and cordelia could read her some stories. frankly i don’t care what happens as long as they both stay in the room and stay quiet. so blaze lay in bed and coco sat on the rocking chair and read 2347825 books to her and i assume that they finally went to sleep but whatever, i had my hands full with a grumpy demanding toddler most of the evening.

and thats what the next five years will look like, only it will get harder in about two years time. im going to need to watch carefully to monitor myself for warning signs of ‘slow down! slow down now!” and probably warp the space-time continuum a bit here and there to make it all work.

i just looked down and Thalia has fallen asleep on the floor at my feet. i guess i’ll see if i can move her to bed so i don’t run her over with the desk chair.