today feels crappy. thalia slept very badly. she was awake it seems like every hour or so, uncomfortable and i think hungry. every time she woke up she was soaked with sweat – not even damp – SOAKED. i pulled of the shirt that she had fallen asleep in, which was as so wet i probably could have rung it out. I wiped her down with a damp cloth and that seemed to help. she asked to nurse all night. i basically slept on and off between finding her attached to my nipple.
i got up and she was still asleep, finally sleeping peacefully. i slipped away from her and got the girls ready for camp. they were up already and we were busy trashing the place in a pretend unicorn game. we got to camp on time and nobody gave me a hard time this morning. when i got home buth she and jim were still asleep.
it has rained all day. the slow, steady grey rain that just doenst let up. and its about time for it – the whole of the country is parched. its the perfect rain to sit quietly and eat some breakfast and settle in to catching up on some work. since thalia was still sleeping, thats exactly what i planned on doing.
then she cries.
jim brings her out to me and then goes back to bed. she whines for the next hour, grumpy and inconsolable. doesnt want to be in my lap, doenst want to be on the floor, doesn’t want to eat, and if i offered to nurse her she bit me. doesnt want to do anything other than flail around and complain. i dont get to eat. i don’t get to settle into figuring out how to get enrolled in that last course i need.
eventually i go and wake jim up and i am a grumpy ass at him. the entire morning is gone and all i have done is try to hold the baby. the day is slipping by me, and all around me is the mess. THE CONSTANT FUCKING MESS. i had made a little list next to me on the desk, and it barely scratches the surface of what i need to get done. call the drs office, call the rock climbing place to get coco into the fall session, clean the cat litter, clean the guinea pigs, enroll in A&P, mail the henna package, strip the bed and wash the laundry and then the guinea pig laundry. clean up the random cat poo that somebody thoughtfully left in the bath tub over night. mop the kitchen floor, after i find it.
I am mean to jim and he snaps back at me, and i realize what i am doing and reign myself in. later he hugs me. he takes thalia and i decide to lay down in bed, by myself, without a baby climbing on me whining, for like five minutes. please just for five minutes. then i can get up and clean all the things. i can feel that buzzing in my body that is my reaction to stress overload – a physical ache everywhere. like inside me somewhere is that low, constant hum of a refrigerator.
then its 3:00! my five minutes turned into a three hour nap. while i was starting to wake up i was panicking, thinking, it looks really late in the morning. who took the girls to camp? i guess jim did, but why would he do it? did we all sleep in? did we miss camp? who put the garbage out? then i realized that it was actually still the same day. i didn’t have to get up and go through the regular morning routine because it wasnt Wednesday morning yet.
the buzzing is gone. and so is, unfortunately, the whole fucking day. i didnt realize i was that tired. i didnt actually realize i was tried at all – tired is so normal that it feels really strange to NOT feel tired. when i woke up and felt not tired, i thought ‘oh yeah, that’s what well-rested feels like. i forgot.’ well-rested happens a couple times a month i think, not often enough for me to recognize that it should, in fact, be the normal.
jim has thalia in the bath when I get up. when she gets out, i get in. while i wash she throws in bath toys for me and i throw them back out and then she throws them back in again and we play this hilarious game fro a while. jim goes to get the girls from camp. get the girls from camp?! surely i just dropped them off like an hour ago. napping always feels like a huge waste of time. if you nap, you cant clean. you cant work your way down through the to-do list. nothing gets done when you sleep. I hate it. i hate waking up and finding that the day is finished and i did NOTHING.
jim had made fried rice. normally i dont care for fried rice but so far today i have eaten a measly sandwich, and its now waaay past lunch time. i will eat any ready-made food. Thalia is also hungry so i am sharing with her. Jim calls me to talk about what we are doing for hte rest of the day, and what is our tentative schedule for tomorrow. thalia thinks i am moving too slowly on this rice and spoon business, and pulls the whole bowl over onto herself. the bowl smashes into a million million tiny shards all around her and she screams. i hang up on jim, pick her up, cuddle her and look her over. only one pinprick sized welt is coming up on the top of her foot. thank god. i pick the rice out of her hair and she asks for milk. we sit for a while until she calms down, then i stick her in her highchair with a pencil crayon and a scrap piece of paper and start the process of cleaning up what was supposed to be my lunch.
jim gets home with the girls. he takes them all out to the market. its 5:20 and all i have ate today is one measly sandwich and a banana.i guess thats okay because I’ve only been awake for 6 hours of the day so far.
i am supposed to working on one of jims paintings. i do not want to. i want to just sit quietly and do something for myself – just for myself. i feel like i cannot bring myself to work on any paintings, and certainly not sit quietly somewhere and do my own thing, BECAUSE OF ALL THE FUCKING CLEANING. my to-do list is still there. its yet another day where nothing happened.