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June 23, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 4:56 pm

i have become incredibly lazy.

most days, i have a nap for a few hours. i have very little energy and i feel tired all day. i do just about nothing – it took me days to get to washing the (six loads of) laundry, and now it looks like its going to take me days to put it away. each morning i have a plan for what i should be doing and by noon i am spent, and generally have done nothing. today i did ONE THING that was useful. the rest of the day just disappeared, and now, at the end of the day, it feels gross to have wasted all that time. but i also honestly feel like i could go back to bed right now.

its weird, and its not like me at all. i wonder if theres something going on – like my iron is low or my body is finished with all this breastfeeding business and its starting to tax me somehow. or sometimes when i become lethargic, its my depression picking it up a notch. don’t know.


shes almost one June 8, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 12:46 pm

and it just makes me so sad and so happy at the same time. i want to see who she grows up to be, i want to hear her little voice. but i also will never, ever have such a tiny sweet baby again.

this time one year ago, i looked like this.


and now she is showing some seriously big personality. this girl has got big opinions, and she is loud about them. she is starting to copy us – give her a cell phone and she holds it against the side of her neck (close enough). give her a hat or a dress up crown and she tries to put it on her head. she watched Jim pretend to wipe his nose and then she stole the handkerchief and copied him. then he took it back and pretended again, and passed it back to her. they played this game for a long time.

turn on music, and she bounces and bobs and waves her arms. when shes done eating food she stares at me intently, poker-faced, and slowly leans forward and drops handfuls of whatever it is off the side of her highchair quite deliberately. then she tosses her hands in the air to be picked up. she knows the layout of the apartment and she crawls around looking for people. when we put the girls to bed she follows them, pushing open the door and coming to stand at the side of blazes bed and chat to her. i move her out of the room and she missions it right back in again. she squeals when she sees a cat. she squeals when she sees her sisters when we go to pick them up from school.

we have a game where every time we change her diaper, as soon as the diaper is off she rolls away, flips to her belly and crawls away as fast as she can laughing. your job is to thump on the bed with your hands and pretend to chase her. “mama’s gonna get you! mama’s gonna get your little nakey bum!” then you grab her before she crawls straight off the other side of the bed and she happy-screeches. sometimes we do it like three times. this is fine so long as there’s no poo in the diaper.

the girls and i (and jim too, but he wasnt available) got invited to Lesleys house for a super casual dinner/half-birthday party. they do half-birthdays for their kids, which is basically jsut as excuse to eat cupcakes and have friends over. lesley is the one with new twins, who is quickly becoming a good friend. my girls ran rampant with their boys and me, lesley, carolyn and three babies hung out together. i tihnk the adults were having as much fun as the kids. grandma came over, and between four adults we just passed the twins around from person to person and thalia played on the floor. and at one point just as we finished dinner the next door neighbours came over to say thanks for the nice letter. blazes friend adian had written a welcome note to the new neighbours, and they were so touched by it that they came by to thank him. naturally, they were brought inside to eat cupcakes and chat as well. what a great scene. the new neighbour is pregnant so it turns out, so lesley casually said “well kyla is a doula” and pregnant neighbour woman got all serious and started asking me things, then asked lesley and carolyn if they thought having a doula was wise and worth it. “oh, absolutely.” lesley is a nurse and carolyn is a surgeon, so they know the hospital thing well. i may have just got myself another client.

i feel like we are starting to really, really put down thick roots and find our place here. we’ve been her six years but we spent a lot of that without kids that were in the school system, and now that our kids are helping us find other parents and families i am making new friends more and more. we are setting up a bit of a village here.

but we are also still thinking of moving. spending the evening in lesleys giant house and then coming home to my teeny space, leaves me thinking. i am comfortable in this space because thalia is still so small and because the girls are in school all day. if they were home all day it would be harder because they are practically under your feet all the time. we don’t have any space to put a crib up for thalia. i was looking around the bedrooms the other day, and wondering how we could rearrange things to make a crib fit. the only way to do it is to get more space. we have very little already, considering that five people live here.  we cant loose the dresser. we need the wardrobe. there’s nothing else to pair down any more. but i don’t want to leave this area. everything about this neighbourhood is great (minus the shitty neighbour downstairs) and we can’t afford to get a bigger place in this neighbourhood. when we move, it will be to upsize our living space and downgrade the neighbourhood unfortunately.  and ripping up those roots we have here will be painful.


June 4, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 8:08 pm

i’m back on for illustrations again. jim is launching a second book, a companion of sorts to his game. its half full of magical items, come of them are super cliche and exactly what peopel would want or expect, and some of them are silly and awesome. the other half of the book is all monsters. again, some that you would expect to see and others that are just plain laughable and fun.

but it means that i am doing the illustrations again. i like this. i like having “work” to do, even if its



aaand thats how far i got. forget it. i’ll try again when they are 18 and have moved out.


cant get shit done June 1, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 3:09 pm

babby thalia crawls, is cutting some more teeth, and is getting big opinions about things. like: when i leave the room. that is a bad thing.

or like yesterday, when i left her with jim while she was napping and went to meet someone for tea for an hour. when thalia woke up, she shoved jim away every time he tried to pick her up and she preferred to crawl around the apartment, crying, looking for me. he let her wander by herself for a bit then went ot get her and once she had established that i wasnt there and i wasnt coming when she called, he was allowed to hold her. she calmed down a bit. when i got home she greeted me with a huge smile and a clingy-hug and then SCREAMED. like shrieking, high pitched, im fucking pissed off i hate you so much screaming. I got that treatment for a while, and once she worked out all her anger she was all cuddles again. the message was clear: do not leave me. she then spent the rest of the day grumpy at me, and told me so every time i tried to do something that wasnt hold her. like, you know, pee. ever tried to pee while a baby tries to climb your leg while yelling? i am pro at this activity. and when it happens, i kinda take a mental step back and think “how did i get here? since when in peeing while a small person claws my leg and tells me she feels totally abandoned and betrayed because i put her down on the floor next to me my life?’

i always have a tangled mess of ideas about what i should be getting accomplished. just regular, ‘make ordinary life tick on by’ stuff. clean out the cat liter, wash the laundry, pick the guinea pigs the garden weeds, organize something for dinner…. and nope nope nope. thalias plan for the day is for me to hold her. one of the best things i did around here was to paint the fridge with chalkboard paint and keep a bucket of chalk on top. now i just scrawl all the half-baked ideas in my head down directly on the freezer door. book meeting with client, schedule meeting with sondra/tynan, remember to buy new bed sheets. on the side of the fridge is the grocery list.

today i had an alarmingly long nap. got thalia down to sleep around 10:00, and somehow ended up joining her, despite my list written on the freezer door. I woke up and it was 1:00. we don’t sleep so well at night, i suspect its the teeth? i don’t really know. and i’m not concerned about finding out why either. currently she just doesn’t sleep so awesome at night. that is all. it will change, she will sleep better soon. maybe in a week or maybe in two days. babies just do this, and i don’t care to find out WHY, because it wont  make a difference anyway. just know that it will change, and then she’ll sleep fine but it’ll be something else thats difficult next.

what is hard at first, but by the third you get used to it and it doenst seem like such a big deal, is that adults wake up with firm ideas about what they need to do or want to do during the day. perhaps i wanted to clean the cat litter, wash two loads of laundry, put in 20 minutes of knitting onto a current project. but once you let go of these plans, it gets a whole lot easier. now i sit down and think ‘i would like to watch that documentary about british scientists from 150 years ago, and i will see if i can’ and 15 minutes in thalia has grown tired of playing with plastic eggs and a rubber giraffe and is begging me to pick her up. don’t fight them off! don’t think “eurgh, this baby is getting in my way, i want to watch this show and eat this sandwich and shes interrupting me” just say “well, its not working. move on.” and pick up the baby and kiss her. like, whatever. its not important. drop the attachment to your own plans and just embrace the babys plans and it makes the whole thing so much easier to sail through.

your last baby is precious. shes only been here for a year, almost. a few more months and i wont have a baby any more i will have a toddler. i will never have a baby this young again. my first baby just turned six years old. my first baby speaks french and reads french and has complex ideas and does things like take up a clipboard and go around her classroom interviewing her classmates about if they like cookies or brownies better then reports back to us that we are to send brownies in to school for her birthday treat because she had a vote, without her teachers even realizing she was doing it. my first baby, who we talked about aborting when we found out that a squishy blob of cells had accidentally taken up residence inside me, just turned six.