I am playing a game with myself where i don’t check the online applicant portal obsessively. i have set a date that i will not check until saturday, with the exception that if the facebook group explodes then i will of course check. once saturday comes along i will reassess and maybe see if i can go day by day. but for now, if i open it up just once i know i will never close it again and will keep being drawn back multiple times a day to look, even though its still too early. so now, instead of checking the online portal obsessively i just haunt the midwifery hopefuls facebook group page.
on the day of and the couple days after i felt pretty confident about my interviews. but as we get further and further away and the days go by, i feel less and less like i have a good chance. i have no reason to think that my answers were stellar and amazing beyond anyone elses.
Jim is applying to a full-time position at conestoga college – thats Waterloo. if i get into ryerson he turns down the job. if i don’t get in, we talk about if i apply next yer or if we move. if i get in, he will probably need to stay part-time so he can be the one who is home more often. i would like to just get in this year so our plans can be more solid. i don’t like the idea of trying to apply next year and possibly commute from Waterloo or something. i feel like if we move, midwifery is finished. it wouldn’t be feasible for me to apply again next year if we live a 2 hour drive away. it feels like its this year or nothing.
i used thalias nap to clean out my room. picked through my clothes, pulled the things down out of the closet and dumped them all out on my bed. i took out hte box that holds all my fabric and cleaned out about half of it. i have been hoarding small bits and pieces and big pieces of fabric that i don’t actually like the colour of, the texture, or have no project ideas in mind for what i could do with it. out it goes. cleaned out one of the under the bed bins of an old sewing project that has been there FOR YEARS which will, of course, never ever be completed. gone. now i can keep the guinea pigs bedding towels there instead. some of the girls toys are on the way out as well. we have these two robotic walking/barking dogs. they are very big and they take up a lot of space and the girls never really played with them much. they have been in the back of the closet for months and the girls have forgotten about them. out. some other small child can love them, but they are not for us.
the bottom of the bed becomes a sort of catch-all for things. bags, clothes, baby blankets, laundry, a stack of folded towels that didn’t make it to the closet. every few days i need to go through the pile and finish all the half-completed jobs that are there. thalia has a cold and a sore throat and has had a low fever for days. this means that i am leaving half-finished jobs everywhere. my new thing is to sweep the floor, and sweep everything into a pile and then have to go get her and leave the pile there. i just don’t quite have enough time to properly finish anything. she wants to be in the carrier, cuddled with me. she wants to be close by and doze on my chest and nurse on and off. she recognizes the ‘click’ of the carriers buckles, and the other day she started to cry as soon as i undid the buckle and she heard the sound. i was intending to put her down and she knew it. she just feels shitty. its really draining my patience, and by the end of the day i find myself trying to ignore her and tune her out while she whines and tries to chase me around as fast as she can crawl.