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still waiting. April 22, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 8:05 am

i am waitlisted.

i will never be done waiting. how likely is it to get off the waitlist and be offered a spot? i have no idea. probably very slim. people put so much effort into this, they try year after year after year to get in. who is going to give up their spot once they get in?

i know the waitlist is short. they keep it short so that they don’t raise unnecessary hopes. they have like 5 people on it. the last five that hey wish that they could have squeezed into the program.

the waitlist continues on until the first week of September before it is dissolved.

we had plans that were hinging on this result – do we move? buy a house? if jim gets a full-time position do we go to waterloo? all of that was supposed to be sorted out. its not. we still have no plan.

the waitlist means that they wanted me in their program they just didn’t have enough space.  they wanted me to be there because i am good enough but they are trapped by the numbers game.

tonight is jims dads birthday party. oh, let me list all the reasons that i do not want to attend! sucks being an adult with grown-up obligations. i know i said that i would try to live without obligations and i do try, but this seems like one that i really cannot get out of. i think it will do more harm in the long run to not go. but now, people will ask me’did you hear back yet?’ and i will say ‘yes i am on the waitlist’ then they will say something stupid and unhelpful. and i don’t want to have to explain it to him and have him gently pat me on the shoulder in a totally awkward manner (i really, really hate when he tries to touch me. it makes my skin crawl. i actually have a physical aversion.) and say something dumb.


waiting April 19, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 11:30 am

I am playing a game with myself where i don’t check the online applicant portal obsessively. i have set a date that i will not check until saturday, with the exception that if the facebook group explodes then i will of course check. once saturday comes along i will reassess and maybe see if i can go day by day. but for now, if i open it up just once i know i will never close it again and will keep being drawn back multiple times a day to look, even though its still too early. so now, instead of checking the online portal obsessively i just haunt the midwifery hopefuls facebook group page.

on the day of and the couple days after i felt pretty confident about my interviews. but as we get further and further away and the days go by, i feel less and less like i have a good chance. i have no reason to think that my answers were stellar and amazing beyond anyone elses.

Jim is applying to a full-time position at conestoga college – thats Waterloo. if i get into ryerson he turns down the job. if i don’t get in, we talk about if i apply next yer or if we move. if i get in, he will probably need to stay part-time so he can be the one who is home more often. i would like to just get in this year so our plans can be more solid. i don’t like the idea of trying to apply next year and possibly commute from Waterloo or something. i feel like if we move, midwifery is finished. it wouldn’t be feasible for me to apply again next year if we live a 2 hour drive away. it feels like its this year or nothing.

i used thalias nap to clean out my room. picked through my clothes, pulled the things down out of the closet and dumped them all out on my bed. i took out hte box that holds all my fabric and cleaned out about half of it. i have been hoarding small bits and pieces and big pieces of fabric that i don’t actually like the colour of, the texture, or have no project ideas in mind for what i could do with it. out it goes. cleaned out one of the under the bed bins of an old sewing project that has been there FOR YEARS which will, of course, never ever be completed. gone. now i can keep the guinea pigs bedding towels there instead. some of the girls toys are on the way out as well. we have these two robotic walking/barking dogs. they are very big and they take up a lot of space and the girls never really played with them much. they have been in the back of the closet for months and the girls have forgotten about them. out. some other small child can love them, but they are not for us.

the bottom of the bed becomes a sort of catch-all for things. bags, clothes, baby blankets, laundry, a stack of folded towels that didn’t make it to the closet. every few days i need to go through the pile and finish all the half-completed jobs that are there. thalia has a cold and a sore throat and has had a low fever for days. this means that i am leaving half-finished jobs everywhere. my new thing is to sweep the floor, and sweep everything into a pile and then have to go get her and leave the pile there. i just don’t quite have enough time to properly finish anything. she wants to be in the carrier, cuddled with me. she wants to be close by and doze on my chest and nurse on and off. she recognizes the ‘click’ of the carriers buckles, and the other day she started to cry as soon as i undid the buckle and she heard the sound. i was intending to put her down and she knew it. she just feels shitty. its really draining my patience, and by the end of the day i find myself trying to ignore her and tune her out while she whines and tries to chase me around as fast as she can crawl.


why do you want to be a midwife April 8, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 9:16 am

i KNOW this is one of the questions i will be asked tomorrow. i need to hash out my thoughts to get organized ahead of time.

  • just assume that im preaching to the choir here. i like women and babies and i find birth fascinating and all that, just like everyone else who is going to answer this question. i want to protect natural birth, yada yada yada
  • i want to give people another choice for their bodies, for their babies and their families. choice of caregiver, choice of birth place, choice of everything.  i want to put the power in their hands to make the decisions for their own uteruses. there are not enough midwives in ontario and I know that i can add just one more to the numbers.
  • i have been a doula for four years which is long enough to see things that have made me realize that i need to be a midwife. if i had more power in the room, i could have protected some of my clients from some things, cushioned the blow a bit more, perhaps not changed the overall outcome but made it easier on the family.
  • i need work that keeps my head and hands engaged. i need work that changes all the time, work that keeps my busy. i thrive when i am busy, i am happy when i am busy.
  • i need work where i feel like i am doing something significant, something worthwhile. where i am changing lives. so i can go to my job every day feeling like i am doing something of consequence for someone.
  • as a doula i have taken my education into my own hands, and continued my learning even though nobody was pushing me to do so. i want to learn, i want to be good at this, i have gone to every workshop, watched every documentary and show, tried to keep up to date on every study and piece of information that’s come out. i want to stay current and i want to be forefront to this type of work. i want to learn both sides of any issue, not just surround myself with only like-minded thinkers who all feel the same as me.
  • i want to bridge the gap between the deaf community and midwives. one of my deaf buddies described her emergency c-section to me, in ASL. she had a stunned interpreter and no idea what was going on or why. it was horrible. I am familiar with the deaf community and i am good at  ASL and i would like to do something with that skill, offer services to deaf families in their own language. make midwives that much more accessible to people who cant hear but live in a hearing world.