i want to have this application in the mail in five days. thalia has reached the point where laying on the floor playing with toys doesn’t cut it. she wants to be where i am. (perhaps she likes receiving 2 dozen kisses in one go every 10 minutes?) she is copying us now, in so many ways. when i eat she stares at me with intense focus and moves her mouth, making chewing motions. jim was holding her on his lap and trying to type (always an overly-optimistic idea) and she threw herself forward and wanted to mash all the keys too.
its becoming pretty clear that Cordelia has been gifted with some of my anxiety. this is one of the things i was scared of the most about having kids – passing this shit on to someone who did nothing to earn it. who did nothing to deserve it. she has always had a touch of a normal level of anxiety, (blaze seems to have none) but in the past month or so its turned into something specific – something too big for her to handle that just explodes out and makes her freeze in her tracks.
im not sure how to handle it. i don’t want to label is as a big issue for her, i don’t want to give it a name yet until its pretty clear that its a debilitating, abnormal problem. i just want to teach her some tools she can use to reign it in. i dont know yet if its going to be a huge problem, and i feel like treating it as if it were could just create that problem. and telling her that she has a problem will make her act like she has a problem. as in, she will shy away from things thinking “i cant do that”. its too new right now for me to categorize it yet.
its started to become anxiety about something concrete. i found a hip scarf with the jingly coins on it in one of the drawers of stuff my mom has for event planning gigs and showed it to the girls. they loved it, naturally. blaze put it on and we put on music and blaze danced and danced. when it was cordelias turn she screamed. she really wanted to do it. she really really wanted to put on that bright red jingly thing and make noise and dance. and she couldn’t do it. Jim asked her “but dont you think that dancing would make you feel happier?” and she yelled at him, “yes! but im just too scared!”
so we all left the room. we left her with the music on and she danced by herself, very tentatively, provided nobody came to look at her.
theres been a couple more instances like that, where shes hit a wall of anxiety that shes never hit before and she doesn’t know how to handle it. right now im just watching for where it takes her and we are both teaching her ways to work with it.
looks like the fish might fall asleep in my lap. maybe i can get back to finishing up bio right now. i have one question left – one question! – before i can send in these two units to be marked. though its a very big question and will take an hour i expect. this application will be done and in the mail in 5 days.