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the dreadlocks made me do it November 25, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 8:47 pm

the dreadlocks are applying to midwifery.

i feel totally split on this – i actually feel like i am two people with two different, equally important views on this. both of them are vying to get ahead. there’s me, who says ‘this is a scary idea. i cannot be a midwife, i could not handle the constant workload. i can’t even get the laundry done most days, how am i supposed to get through what is essentially med school? much less make a career out of it? when i get depressed i cant even feed myself properly. i need to be medicated to get through regular life. how can i be responsible for other peoples lives?”

then there’s the other part that says “fuck yeah. we can do this. we need to do this.” i think that’s my dreadlocks.

my dreadlocks, who have yelled at high school boys for tangling up the swings in the park. my dreadlocks that wanted to tell a guy off when i saw him take a picture of a little person from behind on his phone. dude, its not a zoo, you can’t just photograph a woman from behind to show your buddies later because she looks different from you. if he hadn’t crossed the street before i realized what he had just done, i think my dreadlocks would have called him out and confronted him about it, loudly.

my dreadlocks make me march up to strangers and ask for directions, or help, or start up conversations, or whatever. they surprise me sometimes.

and now, they are applying for midwifery. good god.

i didn’t do grade 12 bio and i need it to apply. (i did a couple similar university courses but not close enough to cover for bio) so i found an online course that’s equivalent to grade 12 and now i have to do grade 12 bio fast. as in, i ned to be at least halfway through the course by mid-jan. finding the time to focus on this is really hard. i got an hour in this morning while thalia napped, but while shes awake its hopeless. all i did today is turn on the dishwasher at like 7:30 in the morning, clean the cat litter and do an hour of biology work. that’s it. that was my free time today. no laundry, no cleaning the bathroom, no sweeping the crap off the floor. biology is going to take a huge chunk of my free time – because i hardly have any to begin with. but really, if i am going to be a midwife, having grade 12 bio would be really beneficial. and i should probably do chemistry as well because thats where i would suffer more.

somehow i’ve got it in my head that i am making dolls for the girls. like serious, proper, handmade, takes dozens of hours cloth dolls. they are gorgeous. i am making them because i want to, and as an added benefit the girls can have them afterwards. it’ll probably be their christmas presents. they are called waldorf dolls. google them. even better, pinterest or etsy search for them. they are exquisite, handcrafted works of art. i’ll have to make them after biology class. in the free time i don’t have.

speaking of not having free time and having more than enough chores to do already, we are getting guinea pigs. the girls have been saving their money for months and months. we now have a cage and tonight i took the girls out to pick up hay, feed, bedding. i’m going to talk to some people at the farmers market about buying hay from them instead of paying a stupid amount of money for a tiny bag of hay, but this will get us started at least. the humane society is our next stop on Saturday. i know how this goes – kids ask for a  pet, and 3 weeks later the novelty has worn off. i know that its largely going to fall on me to care for these piggies. thats fine.

i visited kijiji looking for guinea pigs, and oh man was it ever depressing. the worst post is one woman who took in two guinea pigs and now has 3448734023 guinea pigs. she is just letting them breed and do their thing and she is overrun with them. apparently she loves them but she cannot afford to feed them so she’s selling some of them to pay to feed the others. considering guinea pigs can get pregnant at 4 weeks old, and can breed again within 12 hours of giving birth, i expect her colony is really out of control. guinea pigs are shitty at having babies – most females just die from one complication or another. the mortality rate is shockingly high actually – something like 1 in 5 preggo pigs die. i just imagine this woman having little bodies everywhere. if they are breeding without restriction, then all her females will be pregnant really young, all the time, and will be totally worn out and die early. she must have a whole room devoted to them. maybe a barn.

okay, turns out the children don’t just go to bed by themselves if you ignore them and just hope they will go to bed. gotta get this bedtime train going in the right direction.


all typed with one hand while slightly bouncing so she stays asleep. November 19, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 2:47 pm

forget whatever bullshit i said last time, BABIES ARE DAMN HARD.

this fish, for instance, is a fusspot recently. she wakes up an awful lot at night, apparently for no reason, and then whines a lot during the day. maybe she has a sore throat like i do. the last three days i have got nothing done. nada. its hard to get shit done when you only have one hand and a grumpy baby attached to your boob.

cordelia is moving to the french immersion stream. she has been asking about french for some time, shes been asking us to go to the french class next year. and the other day i just walked into the office and asked the receptionist about it. he lowered his voice and said “actually, there’s a spot open right now…” and the catch is, its now or never. shes not allowed to switch to french next year because she’ll go into grade one, and they kinda lock in all their french kids by then and it gets more intense language-wise so they dont allow other kids to join in. so i spoke to cordelia about it and at first she was totally adamant – no french! no no no! she would not leave her current friends and her teacher and the class that she knows. we tried to explain the concept of the now or never problem to her.  switch to the french stream now, set yourself up for bilingualism for life. or… not.

at first, i thought that putting your kid in french immersion seemed like such a rich white, yoga-going, starbucks drinking thing to do. (and it is.) but then i thought about how much french i retained after many many years in the public school system. i can say my name is and ‘i like cheese’ and i have memories of a creepy pineapple puppet, and i think that’s about it. for 6 years of french class, taught by generally not every competent teachers, and that’s all i got to show for it.  then it started to look like this: why not? the opportunity is here to enrich her life with a second langue, for free, why not take it?

so she thought about it for a day and we broached the subject again. she was very nervous, but she agreed to try it out. so, on monday, shes going to a new class, with two of her friends from last year. that will help smooth the transition for her. but shes gotta be brave as she is pretty scared.

we are thinking its bout time to get a house. we will wait until the new year to really start looking around, because all the full-time jobs come out over christmas and jim will apply to them, and then if he gets one it will adjust our budget (for the better) and the locations to look for houses. i have always had it in my head that we would end up in the country. i have been moving to the country since i was a kid – i was always absolutely certain of this. but i recognize that my attachment to wanting to live in the country will hold us back. i want to raise my kids in a place where they are exposed to lots of cultures, lots of religions, and generally nice liberal people. they had a diwali celebration at the school a few weeks ago – how cool is that? i can’t remember doing that when i was 5, and i bet it doesn’t happen in the boonies either. one of cordelias friends at school is a teeny little girl with a name i cannot pronounce and the most beautiful dark brown skin. bet that doesn’t happen in the country so much either.

i like being in a place where i can walk to what i want. i think its a bad idea for my mental health to up and move away from my friends, and those important helpful grandparents. i want to apply to midwifery, so we need to stay in the city for that. jims work is here. my work is here.

if we got a house, we could get a dog. a spinning wheel. foster another future guide dog. we could get a better kitchen sink. we could be rid of downstairs emperor qin. i could paint it, fill it with beautiful things. that’s not important, except it is a little bit. and waiting until we can “move to the country” could be a really, really long time.

but i still want chickens.

so we talked about it and decided that we would raise our girls in the city, and maybe have a summer home or a cottage or something. and then once the girls were all grown up and moved out, if we still wanted to, we could get our little farm house then. we would be in our 40’s at the very least. that’s plenty of life left for chicken tending.

it will probably change. maybe by then we will be so firmly rooted in our lives that we wont want to change it. i have no idea where i’ll be when i’m 40. what my life will look like by then.


November 12, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 11:52 am

im so used to having babies around that it doenst fully occur to me anymore how hard they are.

but yesterday was hard. i am getting sick, and i suspect the little fish is as well. we had a good morning, but by the afternoon she was clingy and grumpy and yelled a lot. she is a super cuddly baby – she wants to press her whole tiny body against me. when i took her to lay down to nap this morning she turned on her side, tucked herself up against my chest and stared at me. her stare just kills me – its so intense, so trusting. huge dark eyes, long lashes, such a a soft, tiny little face. then she lets out a big sigh and closes her eyes.

jim said this morning that when he got up to go pee, she woke up. and when he went back to bed, she went back to sleep. when he got up again, she woke up again. “how do they know?!” i have no idea. but they do. they know when you leave them. she was asleep yesterday afternoon and i was sitting next to her. i got up to go to the kitchen and within 5 seconds she was calling me back again. being able to wake up the instant your adult has walked off without you is probably a good survival trait. but its a bit annoying for the modern age.

breastmilk is low in fat and easily digestible. babies need to nurse often to keep their bellies full and to meet their energy requirements. its really hard to walk away from a baby human. if you could get away with feeding them every 6 hours or so, then you could put them down and be a six hours walk away from them. if you need to feed them continuously, you need to keep them close by and carry them with you. its ingenious. it keeps them safe and alive.

i finished spinning all that grey wool. its washed, dried, and developed this fluffy little halo around it. its going to be fingerless mittens. i saw something i really liked a few weeks ago, a black wool with pieces of brightly coloured silk in it. little flashes of colour that light up when the light hits them on a black background. thalia and i found a deep, dark brown corridale wool at the yarn store in the east end of the city, and i am pulling apart some sari silk i have. my hands need to be busy – especially if i am home all day.

lauras hat – ive ripped it out three times. i think i’ve got it right this time, this is my last idea and if i can’t make it work then i need to rethink the whole project. bartering a hat for professional photos seemed like a fun idea weeks ago but now its turning into a chore.


November 4, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 8:05 pm

3 is hard.

evenings are hard. my depression is sneaking in fro the season and i’m watching it slowly seep in under the door, poised to phone the mental health wing of the hospital and make an appointment with my psych. i think i need to up the dose a touch for the winter. I cant afford to get that sick again. my family cant afford me being that sick again. i don’t have enough spare time to be that sick again.

jims schedule is hard. he is not home until after bed time most nights. i am doing the single mom thing basically. the girls hardly ever see him. i take them to school, i do chores most of the day, i pick them up, i make them dinner (generally while thalia screams at me because she is tired and has had enough of sitting in the bumbo seat watching me do things in the kitchen) i pick up their toys, i clean up the kitchen, i put them to bed and jim comes home to find me wiped out and minutes away from going to bed myself. its really starting to burn me out. i have told him this clearly – i cant do this much longer. there’s six weeks of this school term left, then it starts over in a different way in the winter, with less work and a different schedule. next we get a schedule where he is home in the evenings. it’ll change. but right now, im nearing what feels like the end of my strength.

thalia knows his voice and she squirms and laughs and lights up when she hears him. she doesn’t even need to see him. if shes almost asleep, she wakes up and squeals. if shes nursing, she pops off and squeals.

thalia is all about blowing raspberries. all day, every day, spitting everywhere and making ridiculous noises. shes damp all the time – neck folds full of drool, the front of her clothes soggy. she is a happy baby. shes been working on the raspberry noise for a while and shes got it now. we blow raspberries at her and she replies right back, inadvertently spitting in your face.

im probably applying to midwifery. i signed up for the info night. just, you know, to feel it out. think it over. at least thats what i told myself. then i signed up on that website that you use to organize all your university submissions and send your transcripts to the new school. the midwife who caught cordelia has been encouraging me since she caught cordelia. when i left the clinic with a six week old baby thalia, she told me to come back as a student. she offered her help if i have questions about the program or the application process. a couple years ago i seriously thought of applying but i couldn’t have taken it on then. i couldn’t take on much then. i was just about functioning at that point, unable to motivate myself enough to shower or make food most days.

now im in a better place.

we are done with babies, im pretty sure. three feels comfortably full. i want to move on and get to the next part of my life, instead of going around and around being pregnant all the time. i don’t want any more because i feel it would be unfair to the ones i have now. that pregnancy was harder, and i expect it only gets more harder and i don’t want to do it again. i want my girls to be grown up and moved out and go back to having a quiet, intimate relationship with this guy who sometimes eats here.