yesterday could have gone terribly wonky indeed. i have a psych appointment coming up but my pills are running out, so i have been lowering the dose and staggering them to make them last longer. turns out, this is a shit idea. i woke up yesterday feeling horrible. before i even get out of bed my stress is overwhelming. we have no plan for the day so i think about all the things i need to wash or clean up instead. not having a plan makes me feel stranded – i want a plan because it gives me something to cling to, basically. some structure. i try to think of a way to explain this feeling – and the only word that seems to fit is “mangled”. my thoughts feel mangled. inside my head is a mess, like someone shook a box of string that was previously all wound nicely into individual balls. everything is mangled and i have no energy. even putting on clothes to go put on the diaper laundry feels too hard. theres pain in my body, anxiety-induced pain and tightness, and that really bad ache in my stomach that comes with one of those serious ugly-cries. i start thinking “i will never be able to get out from this…” and stop myself. this is fake. this is withdrawal because i was stupid enough to not book my appointments close enough together. this is not real.
i cant believe that this is how i felt on a day to day basis. that feeling was around all the time, sometimes better or worse, but always present, always fucking with my daily life. i just lived in it. its disheartening to see that without citalopram, i revert back to my natural state. my natural state sucks.
so i took my proper dose in the middle of the day. thats breaking the protocol, as i am in a cycle of taking them at night because they make me tired. i figured, at this point i’m always tired anyways so whatever. and today i am a normal person again. no mangled anything.