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September 28, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 8:23 pm

for jims birthday i am keeping the girls up until he comes home so they can sing ‘happy birthday’ to him over an upside down plum cake and give him the cards they made this afternoon. we will possibly regret this when they can’t get up in the morning.

its knitting season! and today was knitting weather. its cool and crisp and today it was raining so softly in the morning. the mornings are so grey – not a depressing grey, but a nice, cool and quiet grey. i spent the summer not wanting to knit anything at all. and now its gotten cooler and i want to knit EVERYTHING.  unfortunately, you cannot knit everything. knitting takes time. i don’t have a lot of that.

i love making baby things because they are so fast. i made a sweater for thalia in about a week but it needs buttons. it fits her well for now, im hoping it will last out the winter and she won’t grow out of it in like 3 weeks. then i looked at her the other day and decided she needed a  hat. a fishy hat. since she is my fish.

we are all sick – everybody has, in turn, gotten the sore throat and chesty cough. but when 3 months old babies get sick it is quite pathetic. shes so tiny and miserable. she sounds like a piglet shes so congested. shes making exactly the same “snuffing around in the dirt looking for acorns” noises that you would expect to hear from a pig. or perhaps a fat, smelly old pug. so, naturally, she has yelled at me every time i have put her down and walked out of her sight today. she had more patience for this in the morning but by the afternoon she yelled at me if i made a move to put her down. skin-to-skin boosts a babies immune system and helps them get over sickness faster, helps them regulate their own body temperature and lowers their cortisol. so i spent the afternoon with her, only in her diaper, up on my bare chest. she napped there, sweaty and a bit feverish for a few hours while i worked on her fish hat and watched the farm show documentaries again. (the irony of watching people work until they drop like victorian farmers while i sit on my ass is not lost of me.)

shes asleep now, in the carrier, snoring. her lashes have gotten so long since she was born – its like they weren’t fully grown in yet when i first met her. and her hair is getting longer, it falls over her ears and over the back of her neck in little feathery wisps. she has found her hand. just one so far, im pretty certain she doesn’t know about the second one.

i am trying to spin as thin as i can without going insane. jim watched me draw out a teeny-tiny thread and said “you’ve gotten much better at that then the last time you spun” i was surprised the guy had paid enough attention to notice that. the downside with spinning really fine is that it takes fucking FOREVER. but i really do love it. i have ‘busy hands’, which is what Omi called it. my hands need to be doing something – for years, that was painting. now they need to be busy with other things.

rhea says Jesse has busy hands too. except, apparently, when your busy hands don’t have an outlet, they do things like whittle away the windowsill with a pocket knife. Rhea asked me to teach jesse to knit so she stops idly carving into their house. busy hands will make themselves busy once way or another.


September 24, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 12:20 pm

im so tired. and it starts to really mess with you quite quickly.

blaze is home. she has a sore throat and she is talking funny and she only wants to eat applesauce and warm oatmeal with raisins in it. she very valiantly tried to go to school. i talked to her aobtu staying home,  i told her she should really have a stay home day, and she pouted and put her foot down – she was going to school, damnit! so we got dressed, got our shoes on, packed up our backpacks, strapped the baby on and walked to the school. when we got to the gates, cordelia went straight in. blaze took me aside and quietly told me, actually, she wanted to go home.

im glad shes home because she needs a quiet day full of colouring and playing games and warm oatmeal with raisins in it. but really, i dont need her home today. i need to take the baby fish to bed with me and nap with her. but a sick blaze is a very needy blaze. everybody needs me – for comfort, for food, for colouring with, just to sit near them, or to change their diaper when they crap all over themselves. these two do not, and cannot, give any thought to what i might need in return. some damn space. a decent meal. to put my boobs away for a while. to go to bed. for someone else to come and clean my bathroom.


since im stuck here… September 14, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 1:16 pm

thalia napped beside me on the couch while i watched a show about brains. ALWAYS watch shows about brains if you can find them, the science changes so fast you will always find something new and totally fucking astonishing. i try to be budy and get a lot of things done while jim is here, or at least even the girls, because i can exploit the extra hands. hold the baby while i clean out the cat litter and load the dishwasher. go sing a song to your sister and show her the stuffed monkey so i can figure out this closet disaster. i do my stuff then, so that when its just me and her i can sit and watch a show about brains and not feel like im antsy and need to me moving quite so fast.

she was still asleep as the show wrapped up so i decided to clean out under the computer. i moved one box to the closet and need to sweep back there. too late shes up – so while im holding her, i can sit here for a bit. but now i am antsy. sitting down for more than an hour is too much sitting for me.

jims game is so nearly done. he is right on the edge of being able to release it. he did ask for a bit more art, tiny little things that i can bust out in 15 minutes. this part really feels like it will never end. we sit and go through the whole thing together, tweaking it, adding in little illustrations, and it seems like every time one thing is knocked off the list theres another couple of things that get added on. eventually there will be no more things added to the list and that list will slowly be whittled down. his drive to get this thing wrapped up is commendable.

i told him he was going to pay me in wool. im thinking of the winter and i want to spin again. last winter i spent the evenings spinning and spent the spring knitting. two seasons were occupied with one really long, drawn-out project. amazing! $40 of fiber goes a long way to keep me entertained and keep my hands busy. paying me in wool makes me the cheapest artist on his roster. i was going to buy roving anyway but since its from etsy i need his credit card, so we joked and said it was payment for all my artwork and my layout design help. (seriously, i saved that game from some really atrocious layout messes).

found a fiber artist in Ottawa and bought three HUGE braids of fluff. one in colours i am familiar with and are ‘safe’ colours for me, grey, blue, green, shades of teal and lilac. another is a similar spectrum of colours but all in pinks, purples, grey and a dark raspberry. the last braid is novel and exciting – its a damn shiny rainbow. its gorgeous even if the bright colours are a bit scary. that should keep me occupied for a long time.


it must be the weather, i want to knit everything. EVERYTHING. i finished sondras shawl, and i am not very interested in finishing my own summer shawl right now. i want to make thalia a sweater. its getting cool and in the mornings when we walk the girls to school, we all need a light sweater on. i have a baby wearing wrap thing… its like a poncho or a kimono-styled wrap thats made to go around me and her in the carrier. it looks ridiculous but its snuggly and it means we share body heat. when we went to the market saturday i brought it out for the first time and me and thalia were warm and everybody else was cold. a friend of sondras made it for me as a barter in exchange for coming to a henna workshop. and on that 8:30 walk to school in the mornings i really appreciate it.


its so quiet at my place September 10, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 10:16 am

i really love this going to school thing. i especially love it because this morning was chilly and crisp. about 18 seconds later its blisteringly hot again, but there are hints of fall coming on.

got girls to school, located that gross smell in the kitchen: tomatoes that look great on top but are secretly melting into a pile of gooey black mold on their bottoms, and quickly made a giant pot of tomato sauce to save the ones that were worth saving. the thing with tomatoes i have found is that once they get the mold, the whole tomato smells of it. even if i cut off half the tomato and carefully taste the “good” side, its nasty. thalia lay on the couch and chatted to the rainbows that were swirling around the walls from the rainbow catcher for a few minutes.

shes not a difficult baby for us, but if she was the first she would have been difficult. shes a perfect third baby. this means that she hates to be put down. she only naps on my body in a carrier. she hates her play mat. cordelia could spend a lot of time laying on her mat, having conversations with the hanging toys above her. thalia looks stressed out as soon as you lay her down and it takes about 1 minute for her to start crying. thalia cries as soon as she realizes that ive left the room. that would just about kill me if she was the first baby, and we would have called her a difficult baby – but now i know better. for a third, its fine. she just lives in the carrier. she spends the day in arms. she doesn’t sleep at night unless shes in physical contact with me. that is what shes SUPPOSED to do – baby primates are made to be portable.  by the third, i am used to this and i dont mind it, but had my first baby primate behaved like this it would have been so, so hard for me to deal with it. but i love having her close. if shes my last baby (did you notice that “if”?) then i want to milk it for all its worth. i want to kiss her a million times a day and watch her stare at me with her crazy intense grey eyes. i want to always be within reach of her fluffy hair.

in fact if i dont personally buckle her into the car seat, i am filled with panic that i forgot her at home, even if i KNOW that Jim buckled her in and i can see her tiny fat fist waving in the mirror. i need to suppress the need to ask “cordelia, is thalia in the seat next to you?” jim thought i was a bit crazy when i told him this, that is until we left my moms last night and i buckled her into her seat and a few seconds after driving off he looked at me and said, a bit sheepishly, “we have the baby right? i didn’t load her in, so now i’m feeling anxious.” now he gets it.

we were at my moms last night because my grandparents are here! last time they were here was a couple years ago, and when i saw my grandpa get out of the car i was a little bit sad to notice how small and frail he looks. he’s a bit more crooked, a bit thinner, a bit less hair, and now he has a cane to steady his 86 year old legs. his quiet spark is still there – my grandma totally dominates him and calls most of the shots and snaps at him a lot but he just chuckles under his breath and flashes a look of mischievousness behind her back.in fact the first thing he did when jim came to greet him was to shake his hand, grin and say “congrats! but i feel for you, poor fella, theres four women in your house now!”

Nanny Jill is a solid, force to be reckoned with woman, very kind but also the matriarch. shes a bit like i would expect esme weatherwax to be – and is kind of the way i always pictured weatherwax. for all her frowns and grumbles at him, she is absolutely devoted to grandpa and would be totally lost without him. he is her anchor. he is the reason she gets up every morning. literally – she makes his morning tea for him. and his lunches, and his dinner, and his dessert, and does his laundry. shes old school like that.

dinner was being laid out on the table and my dad told me to go sit down, and i said something like ‘nanny’s got the baby, i’m going to go get thalia so she can sit down and eat. i can eat later.” my dad said “look at her. leave her be, she just flew 7 hours to hold that baby.” and i put on a different pair of perspectacles and peeked int he living room. and seeing my grandmother dance around the room and softly talking with her tiniest great-granddaughter just filled my heart.


first day September 8, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 3:07 pm

i was quite excited to put my children away for 6 hours. thankfully they were excited to leave.


today has been busy! me and jim walked the girls to school. he is supposed to be teaching a class tues mornings but it has been cancelled for now. it might re-open up if the enrollment is high enough in the next couple weeks. but for now, he is home tues mornings.

seeing blaze in a backpack is weird. she’s still my baby. but now she has a braid in her hair and a pink lunchbox and a dose of sass. she wore her most dazzling, poofiest princess dress to school for her first day. cordelia ran around looking for old friends. everybody came to peek in on thalia, asleep in the carrier, as they all watched me get bigger and bigger all last spring and want to meet the person who was inside.

when we got home, thalia stayed asleep for a bit and i buckled down to finish all the artwork for jims game. we are DAYS away from having it finished. i have put most of my free time into helping him wrap up this giant project recently. we have spent most evenings after the girls have gone to bed, sometimes with thalia on our lap and sometimes not, going over the layout and fitting in all the art and making adjustments. all my art is done, and the little bitty icons are all finished up. he may ask for a few more things last minute but right now its finished.

we havent had internet for a week. the first thing jim did today was call the internet providers and got them to fix it. they have fixed it multiple times in the past week but this time it finally worked. so thats settled. its not a big deal to me, but Jim needs access to his work emails. there were a bunch of little nagging tasks to do that involved hte internet – a pile of emails to work though and a pile of emails to send to people. adding everything to the calendar – dance, hockey, meetings with Sondra, my dentist appointment, emailed the photographer to do family portraits.

once all that was done it was somehow 1:00. jim had a quick shower and thalia had a quick shower with him. she doesn’t like showers with dada becasue he doesn’t give her milk while shes getting washed. i nurse her in the shower and scrub out her rolls while shes occupied and she doesn’t mind the whole ordeal as much. now shes a clean fresh dumpling and she doesn’t smell like barfy cheesy old milk. jim threw on some ‘fancy clothes’ and went to teach his afternoon class.

i cleaned the kitchen and planned dinner. thalia fell asleep in the carrier. macaroni and cheese with secret sweet potato. i DO NOT want to turn the oven on, but i need to roast the sweet potatoes. since the oven will be on i also make the most of it and put in a peach pie to bake and made chicken stock. then it was 2:00. i sat down to watch a show, thalia still sleeping. knitted for a bit, then made myself some food and prepped a snack for the girls for when they come home.

yesterday morning:



September 1, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 9:01 am

yesterday could have gone terribly wonky indeed. i have a psych appointment coming up but my pills are running out, so i have been lowering the dose and staggering them to make them last longer. turns out, this is a shit idea. i woke up yesterday feeling horrible. before i even get out of bed my stress is overwhelming. we have no plan for the day so i think about all the things i need to wash or clean up instead. not having a plan makes me feel stranded – i want a plan because it gives me something to cling to, basically. some structure. i try to think of a way to explain this feeling – and the only word that seems to fit is “mangled”. my thoughts feel mangled. inside my head is a mess, like someone shook a box of string that was previously all wound nicely into individual balls. everything is mangled and i have no energy. even putting on clothes to go put on the diaper laundry feels too hard. theres pain in my body, anxiety-induced pain and tightness, and that really bad ache in my stomach that comes with one of those serious ugly-cries. i start thinking “i will never be able to get out from this…” and stop myself. this is fake. this is withdrawal because i was stupid enough to not book my appointments close enough together. this is not real.

i cant believe that this is how i felt on a day to day basis. that feeling was around all the time, sometimes better or worse, but always present, always fucking with my daily life. i just lived in it. its disheartening to see that without citalopram, i revert back to my natural state. my natural state sucks.

so i took my proper dose in the middle of the day. thats breaking the protocol, as i am in a cycle of taking them at night because they make me tired. i figured, at this point i’m always tired anyways so whatever. and today i am a normal person again. no mangled anything.