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July 28, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 2:26 pm

from yesterday:

Had a good day, got a lot of things done. Thalia is working on settling down for the evening, which means that I am not allowed to put her down she wants to be on my body and comfort nursing. Right now she is naked and only wearing a neon green diaper. I am topless and only wearing a neon green bra. This is because she spit up a belly full of curdled milk on me. She was wriggling and fussing and crunching up her body and turning pink and crinkling up her little face and then did the biggest burp and emptied her stomach on my shirt and into her neck rolls. We will be having a bath tonight I think. I really do not like the smell of breast milk, and I can never get away from it.
She’s starting to loose the baby fluff on her back and arms and legs. She has grown and changed so much in just three weeks. I want to hang onto everything – it is painful to miss anything at all about this newborn stage. It is fleeting and you only get to enjoy it once. I love when people ask “how many months old?” And I say “no months. Three weeks”.
Newborns are so different from adults you should really think of them as a different species.
today; didn’t do anything! napped on and off all morning. i am EXHAUSTED. not-functioning. three weeks of not sleeping well is building up on me. not to mention the last few months of pregnancy, where i was tired all the time as well. there just isn’t enough sleep to go around.
theres tons of things to get finished though. but i just don’t have the time or the energy. the amount of cleaning is overwhelming. the girls trash this place every damn day. and i just cannot do it. they can trash it faster than i can tidy it. and i can get them to clean up their own messes, but not all the time and generally they just fight me about having to do it.
we are going out for our newborn hearing test. thalia and i are going for a ride on the subway. sometimes i think i would like to go on the subway just to read. i could travel from one end of the line to the other, sitting quietly while she slept, and just read and be lulled by the rocking. the subway costs just shy of $3 – i could go up and down and up and down for hours, never having to leave my seat, with a book and a sleeping baby.

July 27, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 9:29 am
A good, full weekend.
Went to the market sat morning . its stupidly, intolerably hot. Everybody is sweaty and Thalia is pink, damp and uncomfortable. The heat makes her thirsty, which makes me dehydrated. I have to consciously remember that even though she’s outside me, I am still her only food source and I need to drink a lot of water so she can drink a lot of milk.
Got a bunch of things, missed out on the first peaches but found black raspberries instead. Jim got chantrelles – I think they are my favorite mushroom. We sat in the shade on the grass for the girls to eat – all the girls. Thalia nursed and the other two polished off a basket of blueberries and one yellow plum each. I wanted to go to the fabric store in the afternoon, but Thalia and I had a great sweaty, milky nap together instead. I needed a shower after sweaty milky nap. The black raspberries were not going to last long so I made them into inky purple  scones.
Around 4 some friends started to show up, Brian, Ben and kate and baby Millie, Gordon and jess.  Played games, got indian food. By 8 i was really tired, despite my nap. After people left jim put the big girls to bed and I tried to get the little one settled. It was too hot – her skin was so warm I actually checked to see if she had a fever. She couldn’t stay asleep and would nurse for long stretches of time, doze off, then wake up and cry about the fact that she woke up. I took all her clothes off and we went and sat directly in front of the AC and nursed there. i swear i nearly fell asleep sitting up. the exhaustion of a new baby is unlike anything else. usually i am okay during the day but around early evening i start to crash.
Once her body cooled down she was able to sleep. i took her back to bed, desperately hoping that she would stay asleep and i could have two hours of sleep before she woke up again. she was fine.
yesterday was also full. i took thalia downtown to a mom-to-mom cloth diaper sale. i made one womans day by buying out all her newborn diapers. we now have enough cloth that i wont run out in one day. hung around there for a while, chatting with other moms, then moved on.
went to the fabric store. quick in and out, i was home quickly. jim decided to take the girls to the zoo for a couple hours. thalia had one of those rare times where i could put her down to nap and she actually stayed asleep. generally her eyes pop open and she looks very worried and then starts calling and calling for someone to pick her up again. this time, i was able to mix up the henna that i need to mail, pull down the sewing machine and get started. i nearly finished before she woke up and started calling and calling. you have about 10 seconds to respond before the little mews turn into panicked, heartbreaking cries.
spent the rest of the afternoon in bed with her. she nursed and napped and nursed and napped and i watched a show about crows and how smart they are and slowly knitted and got stressed out and made lists of all the things that i really, really need to get done within the next 24 hours that i just cant do unless someone else can just hold the baby for a while.
get the damn laundry up from the basement. its clean and dry its just been down there for two days because i haven’t had 28 seconds to go fetch it
put all the other laundry away and get started on washing the dirty laundry. this cant wait that long because its poopy diapers.
finish knitting that boob. i need to rip it back halfway and fix the sizing
finish the sewing. mail the sewing.
start the next sewing.
cone up the henna, and get it bakc in the freezer!  its time sensitive and needs to get done today. the lady who bought it has already emailed me politely asking why i haven’t shipped it yet.
i got the girls in bed by myself last night which is a mission and a half while holding thalia who is tired and grumpy. blaze came up with every excuse to get out of bed and two hours later she was still awake. i was seriously breaking down. thalia was nursing on and off, making my nipples burn with the constant sucking. blaze kept getting out of bed until i screamed at her. jim got home and took thalia from me, lessening my chaos. i went to bed. didn’t give any fucks that blaze was still up wandering around asking for things. yelled at her every time she came to my room. at one point it made her burst into tears and run back to her bed. good! now stay in your bed and go the fuck to sleep! i nearly cried too. i fell asleep because there was no way i couldn’t anymore. Jim must have dealt with blaze, i dont remember.
today im going to see sondra for a muffin and a hot drink and some quiet and calm. then i am going to tackle that list and really try to get it all done. jim has tutoring, so i need to work around that but hopefully he can do some baby-holding for me so i can get things accomplished.

three weeks July 26, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 2:42 pm

IMG_0885 IMG_4292

same skirt, different baby. Blaze on the top, two weeks. Thalia, three weeks.


July 23, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 7:56 am
She’s been here two weeks.
I spent the entire day with her in the sling. I must have given her a hundred kisses – her hair, her fat little cheeks, her dark gray eyes, the tiny palms of her hands and the tiny soles of her feet.
Babies who get lots of skin-to-skin contact and who get to nurse on demand put on weight faster than babies who don’t. On average, a newborn will gain about an ounce a day. Our last midwife appointment reveals she’s been putting on slightly over two ounces a day. The little fish is growing squishier. Skin-to-skin is basically magic. We don’t even know how magical yet, they just keep finding more and more benefits. One of the more recent ones is that our skin is covered in beneficial bacteria, which we share with our babies. We culture them with our skin. We set up their intestinal bacteria with our skin. We set up their immune systems with our skin.
Which is why I left bathing her until she had been here a couple weeks first. We had a bath tonight, together, after I got the bigger girls in bed. Its so powerful to see her hair slick and wet again, like it was when I met her.
Found a study recently showing a direct link between growth and development and how much touch a baby receives. The more a baby is held, stroked, kissed and generally loved upon, the faster they develop, particularly brain development. No shit eh? I love when they put lots of research money into something that we already know to be true.

July 18, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 4:05 pm

Hooray for getting stuff done. So many successes.

Went to the market.
Jim went to tutoring, Iput away all the groceries as fast as possible while thalia told me how much she didn’twant me to put away the groceries
Sorted out the new clothes from Sloan while nursing. The girls helped me put away the cloth diapers and then blaze hung out with babe while Iput away a load of laundry.
Put on the rest of the laundry to wash, also at super speed, before babe realized I had gone.
Jim came home. I nursed and changed Thalia and passed her off to him, he tucked her in the sling and I went to the grocery store,
I am running on borrowed time – cleaned out the fridge, tossed a bunch of stuff and scrubbed down everything. Thalia still sleeping. Put all the groceries away. Thalia still sleeping. Cleaned out the cat litter. Thalia still sleeping. Put the last load of laundry in the dryer. The squishy fish is still sleeping.

She’s up now, we are nursing and cuddling and having her lay across my chest and stomach makes me feel whole.

I have some other plans for today but I’m not sure I will get to them. Finish putting away the clean laundry tthat’sstill in the dryer right now, make cherry ice cream (we bought 7L of sweet cherries today and probably have about 24 hours to use or freeze them all) This evening I’mgoing to see if iIcan sneak in a shower.


July 17, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 7:20 pm

One difficult morning for the littlest fish today.

Went back to the heart Dr who is just as fantasic and lovely as he was last time. Thalia got to have the ultrasound this time. How do you get a 10 day old baby to lay still on the table? Well it turned into me laying on the table with her, nursing her and stroking her hair to keep her relaxed while the tech got all the images she needed of a tiny human heart. She fell asleep on the table, unwilling to give up my nipple. She prefers to hold it in her mouth even if she’s not nursing anymore. I had to wake her up to put her shirt back on and move to the other room to wait to see the Dr. She fell asleep again while we waited. Woke her up by putting her on the table for him to examine and listen to that tiny little heart. She’s all clear, but Dr said we should go for an ECG in a the lab downstairs just to rule out absolutely everything.

She fell asleep on the way to the lab. Woke up hungry. Was really annoyed that Itook her boob away when we got called in, and not pleased about having to lay on a new table, again with no shirt. The nurse covered her tiny body in sticky pads and hooked up a bunch of wires. I lay on the table with her and stroked her hair while she nursed to keep her still and relaxed. The nurse had to hold her kicky legs still so the Dr could get the scan done. She nearly fell asleep on the table.

Those sticky pads are super fucking sticky. Nurse did a big sigh and said “i hate this part. It hurts them and it hurts me to do it”. She pulled two off while she was nursing, and it took her a couple seconds to notice.

Then the scream. Nurse was even cringing herself while she tried to gently pull up the other pads. There was about 8 in total. Thalia screamed and turned pink and tensed up tight. She wiggled and kicked as much as she could and I almost cried as well. Her little scream is terrible and it makes me react fast – high anxiety and needing to protect her and fix it as fast as possible. My reaction to her pain is instant and indescribable. Sticky medical pads or rabid lions, my mama brain doesn’tknow the difference.

The pads were off quick. Her skin was red from where they were pulled off. I picked her up and we danced and sung and I kissed her eyes and her hair and tried to steady my own breathing. When she calmed down and her little limbs stopped flailing, I put her shirt back on and she stared at me and asked to nurse again. Poor thing has been trying to fall asleep all morning but we keep needing to wake her up.

We sat in the medical building front lobby. I promised her nobody would put any more pinchy stickers on her. I couldn’tget the sound of her scream out of my head. She finally got to nurse herself to sleep. I tucked her in the sling and we stayed there for a while, cuddled up on my chest where she can hear, feel and smell me, where she feels safe and protected. Everything about a newborn is designed for them to be naked on their parents chests. Their reflexes, their own pheremone-filled smell, their brains programming – everything. As soon as you take them off their adult, littlealarms start going off in their brains and they will do everything they can to get back there again. She really just needed to be on me to re-calibrate herself after such a weird morning. I also needed her there as well. As much as Iam thankful for free modern healthcare and really awesome doctors and ssympathetic nurses, I also needed other people to stop laying her on tables under bright overhead lights to examine her.

I had some knitting to work on and watched the rain outside.


first day home July 15, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 4:53 pm

She’s a week old. It actually makes me anxious – I love her desperately and it scares me that she will grow up and not be this tiny and squishy anymore. I want her to be this tiny and squishy forever. I want her hair and her dark gray eyes to stay like this forever. This is my last baby and i feel like I need to cling to it or i will miss it.

My other girls have been lovely today. This first day with all three of them has gone really easily. They have played by themselves all day long, without a single argument or even a frustrated peep. Not once. Its like some sort of miracle.

I cleaned the kitchen, arranged a time to go to my moms, fed the baby lots of times, dealt with some stuff that’s not hard but I just haven’t found the few minutes to get it finished, and made a cherry crumble. I am trying to finish knitting the uterus and breasts so iI can ship them. They are way, way overdue now and I just want to get them finished and out the way and done with.

Feeling a bit housebound and I need to get outside at some point today. Will probably meet Tynan and her friends later this evening. I’m not quite brave enough to try to get all the girls out together by myself just yet in any oganized fashion, but maybe we will go do some chalk at least. I can sit on the porch steps and be outside.