three weeks July 26, 2015
Hooray for getting stuff done. So many successes.
Went to the market.
Jim went to tutoring, Iput away all the groceries as fast as possible while thalia told me how much she didn’twant me to put away the groceries
Sorted out the new clothes from Sloan while nursing. The girls helped me put away the cloth diapers and then blaze hung out with babe while Iput away a load of laundry.
Put on the rest of the laundry to wash, also at super speed, before babe realized I had gone.
Jim came home. I nursed and changed Thalia and passed her off to him, he tucked her in the sling and I went to the grocery store,
I am running on borrowed time – cleaned out the fridge, tossed a bunch of stuff and scrubbed down everything. Thalia still sleeping. Put all the groceries away. Thalia still sleeping. Cleaned out the cat litter. Thalia still sleeping. Put the last load of laundry in the dryer. The squishy fish is still sleeping.
She’s up now, we are nursing and cuddling and having her lay across my chest and stomach makes me feel whole.
I have some other plans for today but I’m not sure I will get to them. Finish putting away the clean laundry tthat’sstill in the dryer right now, make cherry ice cream (we bought 7L of sweet cherries today and probably have about 24 hours to use or freeze them all) This evening I’mgoing to see if iIcan sneak in a shower.
One difficult morning for the littlest fish today.
Went back to the heart Dr who is just as fantasic and lovely as he was last time. Thalia got to have the ultrasound this time. How do you get a 10 day old baby to lay still on the table? Well it turned into me laying on the table with her, nursing her and stroking her hair to keep her relaxed while the tech got all the images she needed of a tiny human heart. She fell asleep on the table, unwilling to give up my nipple. She prefers to hold it in her mouth even if she’s not nursing anymore. I had to wake her up to put her shirt back on and move to the other room to wait to see the Dr. She fell asleep again while we waited. Woke her up by putting her on the table for him to examine and listen to that tiny little heart. She’s all clear, but Dr said we should go for an ECG in a the lab downstairs just to rule out absolutely everything.
She fell asleep on the way to the lab. Woke up hungry. Was really annoyed that Itook her boob away when we got called in, and not pleased about having to lay on a new table, again with no shirt. The nurse covered her tiny body in sticky pads and hooked up a bunch of wires. I lay on the table with her and stroked her hair while she nursed to keep her still and relaxed. The nurse had to hold her kicky legs still so the Dr could get the scan done. She nearly fell asleep on the table.
Those sticky pads are super fucking sticky. Nurse did a big sigh and said “i hate this part. It hurts them and it hurts me to do it”. She pulled two off while she was nursing, and it took her a couple seconds to notice.
Then the scream. Nurse was even cringing herself while she tried to gently pull up the other pads. There was about 8 in total. Thalia screamed and turned pink and tensed up tight. She wiggled and kicked as much as she could and I almost cried as well. Her little scream is terrible and it makes me react fast – high anxiety and needing to protect her and fix it as fast as possible. My reaction to her pain is instant and indescribable. Sticky medical pads or rabid lions, my mama brain doesn’tknow the difference.
The pads were off quick. Her skin was red from where they were pulled off. I picked her up and we danced and sung and I kissed her eyes and her hair and tried to steady my own breathing. When she calmed down and her little limbs stopped flailing, I put her shirt back on and she stared at me and asked to nurse again. Poor thing has been trying to fall asleep all morning but we keep needing to wake her up.
We sat in the medical building front lobby. I promised her nobody would put any more pinchy stickers on her. I couldn’tget the sound of her scream out of my head. She finally got to nurse herself to sleep. I tucked her in the sling and we stayed there for a while, cuddled up on my chest where she can hear, feel and smell me, where she feels safe and protected. Everything about a newborn is designed for them to be naked on their parents chests. Their reflexes, their own pheremone-filled smell, their brains programming – everything. As soon as you take them off their adult, littlealarms start going off in their brains and they will do everything they can to get back there again. She really just needed to be on me to re-calibrate herself after such a weird morning. I also needed her there as well. As much as Iam thankful for free modern healthcare and really awesome doctors and ssympathetic nurses, I also needed other people to stop laying her on tables under bright overhead lights to examine her.
I had some knitting to work on and watched the rain outside.
first day home July 15, 2015
She’s a week old. It actually makes me anxious – I love her desperately and it scares me that she will grow up and not be this tiny and squishy anymore. I want her to be this tiny and squishy forever. I want her hair and her dark gray eyes to stay like this forever. This is my last baby and i feel like I need to cling to it or i will miss it.
My other girls have been lovely today. This first day with all three of them has gone really easily. They have played by themselves all day long, without a single argument or even a frustrated peep. Not once. Its like some sort of miracle.
I cleaned the kitchen, arranged a time to go to my moms, fed the baby lots of times, dealt with some stuff that’s not hard but I just haven’t found the few minutes to get it finished, and made a cherry crumble. I am trying to finish knitting the uterus and breasts so iI can ship them. They are way, way overdue now and I just want to get them finished and out the way and done with.
Feeling a bit housebound and I need to get outside at some point today. Will probably meet Tynan and her friends later this evening. I’m not quite brave enough to try to get all the girls out together by myself just yet in any oganized fashion, but maybe we will go do some chalk at least. I can sit on the porch steps and be outside.