springtwist

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37. June 28, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 9:38 am

wordpress has eaten my past two posts.

went to the market by myself yesterday, just before it started to rain. i bought quite a lot of ground beef and pork (i said “i also need some ground meat.” Wendy said “which one would you like? i have fresh beef and frozen pork” i said ‘I dont really care which one. just some ground dead animal.”) some fancy luxury cheese and MORELS. we have missed the mushrooms for the past two years. last yer it was just hot and dry and there just weren’t any morels. this year its been mostly mild and very very wet, and the table was full of baskets and baskets of the alien-looking things. i bought a big bag full to make up for missing the past two seasons. im hoping that the luxury of fancy cheese and fancy wild mushrooms will make the baby come out. thats logical, right? i told my mom I’m going to go buy fancy underwear and wear them around. apparently wearing your best underwear will make your water break and ruin them. seems like an easy way to tempt fate.

when i got home, i told Jim i had a present for him. “MORELS?!” he gave me a big hug. thats how excited he gets about mushrooms. i picked the right guy.

turned the ground meat into a giant pot of chili, which is now in the freezer. now we have mac and cheese, probably too much mac and cheese, oatcakes that are really like dense little oat muffins (i think of them like single-serve, hand-held portions of oatmeal. they are not sweet at all and they are perfect with a thick smearing of butter on top) and granola. one-handed snacks will be crucial. things that i can quickly feed the girls will be crucial.

Jim made a pizza dough yesterday, so either today or tomorrow i will be adding little child-friendly pizza pockets to the freezer. I’ve also been looking up how to freeze apple pies this morning. i am going to sondras today for a small gathering of some of my friends who want to make a fuss over me and my belly, and its so strange for me to be the centre of attention and not be part of the set up or clean up crew for such an event. we have a PILE of apples right now, so I’m thinking of making a couple of pies this morning. baking one to bring with me this afternoon and the others can go to freezer camp. each day that baby stays in is another meal in the freezer.

had contractions all day yesterday. it rained all day. i woke up with contractions and they continued the entire day. i took some breaks to just sit with them and listen to them a bit, then got up and went to do the laundry, or make lunch or something. once jim read the bedtime story and i got the girls to bed, they picked up as it got dark. i sat in the dark and stared out the window, mesmerized by the rain and the shadows of the ivy on the walls and in this weird pre-labour trance (yes, its a real thing,) of letting my body tighten and squeeze down every two minutes and not thinking about anything at all.  shes close now. one or two good storms would do it.

im wondering if i can just drop a baby in sondras living room this afternoon. its still rainy today and its overcast and dark outside so i’m still contracting now. I’m just glad that my contractions are still gentle enough that i can sleep through them. i wake up a few times with a bigger one, or with a massive pain in whatever hip im laying on, but other than that i can sleep.

i told her “stay inside until sunday! just get me past sunday!’ and i think that as soon as i relinquish my sheer willpower hold on her, she’ll just fly out. today is the last day that i need to do anything. school is out, we are full term, its my party today, theres some food in the freezer, all the laundry is done even and i have all my stuff assembled. we have a carseat and clothes and backup phone numbers. and once thats all over with, its fair game.

everybody coming today is a doula. and if danielle is coming shes a student midwife. and if court is coming, shes a chiropractor. and sondra’s dog can lick the floors clean afterwards.

 

June 26, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 10:57 am

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Sleeping baby means I have a lopsided belly. She always sleeps on one side.

 

June 25, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 1:14 pm

Gotta shake off this gross funk. Gotta keep the girls entertained and distract myself from my body, which is constantly throwing warning signs at me. WHATEVER, uterus. I know you are full of bullshit. you are grumbling all day today but i know thats about the rain so i’m not listening. i’m not going to believe you until the baby head is leaving my body k thanks.

Grocery store. Buy a bunch of things I can make into meals to freeze. Mac and cheese, pizza dough, cookie dough. A little bit at a time, I plan to stock up the freezer with ready to cook packages.

Take my constantly hungry children to the bakery for a snack. Probably a delicious, totally nutrient-devoid snack with chocolate on it. (i was right about the chocolate)

Make something for the midwives. I’m thinking a couple batches of soap and some lip balms are super easy. They can divy up all the soap and everyone takes home a couple bars. If i make it now it will be cured by the time i am going to my postpartum visits.

Get all the poopy laundry done today. doesn’t matter if I get it put away, but it needs to get clean at least.

hang the trees

clean up and hang the little moroccan stained glass lantern. pretty little thing, great $2 impulse buy from the thrift store

hang the paper stars that i bought almost this time last year in vancouver

 

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 11:25 am

Need some space for myself today.

Contractions and back pain yesterday evening so Igot in the bath. I was absolutely certain that my waters popped. I FELT it pop. I felt it flood the bath with warmth like i peed myself. Then the whole bath smelled like a newborn baby. When Igot out the bath i trickled fluid. I trickled for a long time. I really tried to distinguish between pee and mystery fluid. I caught some in a cup to smell it – doesn’t smell like pee. Its coming out of me when I’m not peeing. Its coming out of me when i have a contraction.

Called my midwife. She said it sounded convincing and she would come by later to check me out. Sondra came over. Everybody got excited. Jim called his mom to tell her we might be in labor and is she available to take the girls if we need. She started to text me, asking for updates and info. Still having contractions.

We needed to feed the girls and make a plan for the rest of the evening, and wait a few hours to see what happened. We went out for sushi, Sondraand sSloan came as well. We told the girls their sister was coming. We talked about how she was coming tonight or tomorrow, and how Cordelia might not go to school tomorrow and if they wanted to stay up to watch they could do that.

My midwife came over in the evening. She checked and checked and checked. We talked. She did a whole bunch of swabs that change color in the presence of amnio fluid, but noted that they can’t REALLY be trusted because they also change color in the presence of blood as well so we can get false positives. She opened me up with a speculum and stared into my insides, looking for other signs. She rubbed some slides with my fluids and took them to the hospital to look at them under a microscope. Amnio fluid dries in a certain characteristic fern pattern that can be confirmed, without a doubt, by this method.

Nothing. Its not my water. We don’t know what it was.

I am thankful that she was so thorough. If we relied on those little swabs alone, we would be accidentally forcing a labor that wasn’t ready yet. We would be forcing out a baby that wasn’t ready. I’m scared now that we may have done that with blaze because the situation was so similar, its possible that we read the signs wrong.

Everyone was convinced. But as time went on and she tried all her tricks to detect a leak, it became more and more suspicious that nothing had actually happened.

Iwas a fucking basket case. Midwife left, Sondra went home with an exhausted sloan and I tried to go to bed. I wasn’t going to sleep. I shut myself in the bathroom and unloaded all the emotions in a super big cry. My body is lying to me. Every day it lies to me and I’m starting to not trust it. It lies to me, then I end up lying to other people, then everyone gets excited and then I let them down. We could have made dinner at home. Sondra didn’t need to come over. We didn’t need to spend that money going out. Jim could have gotten his marking done. It feels like a betrayal. My body lied to me so I lied to my girls and made them excited to see their sister. Blaze was worried and scared and had a million questions and had big mixed up emotions that she couldn’t explain. We had to call Jim’s mom back and explain it was a false alarm, and explain WHY and then jim needed to explain what group strep B is and why I would need antibiotics if my water had broken, then calm his mom down because she was freaking out about me home birthing a baby when it would mean (as it has in both previous labours) that I would need penicillin because Ihave a benign bacteria that can’t harm me but could harm a baby. Yes, its still safe to have a home birth. No, we aren’t being stupid. You can tell, because of the penicillin. It would be stupid to have any birth, at home or not, WITHOUT the penicillin actually. Half of all women have this bacteria. Yes really, HALf. Yes its very common. Everything is fine, I promise. Really, it is. And sorry Igot you all excited and then let you down.

I missed my meds at some point in the past few days, either the night before last or the night before that one, don’t remember. But it means that iIwas ccoincidentally in a bit of a withdrawal already, so all of this happened and I was already a bit fucked up to start with. So Idid a big cry in the bathroom for a while, thinking about how could i have been wrong about my waters breaking? How could i be wrong about my own body? How can i trust my body if its lying to me like this, right near the end when I need it to be reliable? How can i call everyone and make them come over, drop what they are doing for me and then fake them out every time? The uterus that calls wolf. And how can i possibly tolerate myself when i am such a useless, lazy ass all the time. At least when she was going to come out I could be useful again. Now its just back to being a lazy ass some more.

I went to find jim. He was up late, since he didn’t get his work done in the evening like he should have he was doing it now. Sorry bout that. I cried some more and tried to explain everything. He doesn’t really understand, but he talked me back down, took me back to bed and read to me.

Blaze came to sleep in my bed. She does this when she has a rough day and needs me for comfort. Coco had a big explosive poo mess in her bed, must have a stomach bug or something. I cleaned her up and put her back to bed in blazes bed instead. She had another explosive poo mess a few hours later. This time it was close enough to morning she wanted to just get up. Got her set up with cereal and a show. Told her to please sit on a towel on the couch since she was dribbling poo on and off. I didn’tsleep enough at all. Not sleeping, missed pills and a shaky relationship with my body all mixed up together today. I have both girls home today and i need to do something with them. I’m determined to not be a lazy ass today. And I’m not on speaking terms with my body right now either. But really, I need to sleep and have space for myself today.

 

please don’t rain anymore. June 23, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 9:47 am

this is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. just get out of my body already.

i know its still a bit early. but if EVERY TIME IT RAINS you are going to render me completely debilitated, then you may as well be on the outside.

Toronto got a big storm. a huge, glorious, ‘makes the house shake’ storm. apparently one of sondras dogs got stuck under the bed she was trying so hard to get away from it. she is not a small dog. not as small as she wishes she was.

jim did the bedtime story and wind down and then i scooted the girls into their bed and got in the bath. i answered 3247824 questions from blaze before she finally just fell asleep. having me in the bath in the dark instead of in the rocking chair is not her routine and she kept coming back to see what i was doing and offering to turn the light on for me.

i dont know how long i sat in the bath. the water takes the pressure off my joints and i hardly feel how sore i am. i actually started to fall asleep in the bath. it was really dark when i got out and so i tried to go to bed.

i woke up at some point, with lightning practically right over the top of the house, too uncomfortable to sleep or lay down anymore. went to sit on the toilet for a while. its another super comfortable place to be – i can pee whenever i want first of all, and it seems to stretch everything out nicely. i can lean on the cold tiles on the wall. tried to go back to bed. got up again and went to the living room to sit in the middle of the floor, lean on the desk chair (which had a cat on it) and stare out the window and the torrential downpour. once the rain stopped and the contractions let up and the pain in my back slowly went away i thought i could go back to bed.

not. baby is AWAKE. she was rolling around and flailing and stayed up for a long time, getting her strong feet under my ribs and pushing out.  i feel like she may as well have just come out because i spent so much time awake with her.

today i am grumpy and mean and have no patience and its going to be a stupidly hot, muggy day. baby lucy is coming over today, which i am actually looking forward to. three month old babies are very sweet. i want to hang around all day and cuddle her and do nothing. im so tired.

but i need to clean up some shit first. like the floors and the kitchen, and get the laundry out the basement and get the new car seat set up. Jim pulled it out the box, had a look at it, decided he couldn’t do it with two children climbing all over him and left it in the middle of the floor. he is great but sometimes he is a lazy ass.

I’m going to set a list of things that i want to do before she gets out. i need to fill my days with something other than chores while i wait this out.

– make a cheesecake. i dont know why this is coming up in my head but i really really want to make some sort of cold, super rich dessert thing. probably a peanut butter one. if not a cheesecake then more chocoalte mousse. (chocolate goat)
– eat more fresh peas. we can get some today if the market has any.
-plenty more laying around being a useless lump and wasting time sewing a cross stitch of a bunch of mushrooms
– start my summer knitting project
– more naps.
– eat more peas. eat all the peas in the world.
– hang the moroccan lantern
– hang the paper stars from vancouver
– fill the freezer with meals
– hang the beaded trees
– do one more of my own henna before my hands are otherwise filled with baby
– make my midwives some soap

 

June 22, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 11:54 am

Got the kid to school, put on two loads of laundry, got the first load all put away. Cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher. Its muggy and hot. Yesterday was even hotter and more humid. Yesterday I was wildly uncomfortable. Pain in my back and my hips. I spent the morning standing in bits of shade and rocking gently in figure 8s, tuning out most things around me.

Today – squeezy squeezy. A couple mild contractions and its probably the weather. I have pumped up my birth ball and am sitting on it. It allows me to sit in almost a squat, pulling my pelvis open and leaning forward to tip the pressure of her head off my back. There’s nowhere left to sit these days that is comfortable.

Well that was a boring post.

 

June 19, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 7:46 pm

We made it to Friday. I told her to wait so she did.

Her car seat was delivered. I told her “wait for your car seat”.

I’ve been thinking, ” you better let me finish this knitting project first.” Its been a long term project. I bought a big bag of fluff from etsy in the fall. I slowly spun it into just shy of 700 yards of yarn all winter. I just finished knitting it into an oversized circle scarf this afternoon while sitting with the girls at the park. I wanted to just get it finished and done with before she decided to come.

Some gentle squeezey contractions started up this afternoon. They are nothing yet. Jim roasted a chicken tonight while i had the girls in the park. When the contractions started, i said “oh no you don’t. You are going to wait for the damn chicken to finish roasting first.”