its 20 degrees give or take around here, the maple trees just put out their tiny green flowers all at once. okay one maple has red-brown flowers. the market in the park starts next week. zachs market starts end of may. i am excited to see him and his whole family again and show them my belly. me and zach had a race – who could have a baby next, since he just got married about a year ago. i win.
half the squirrels have naked shoulders and backs – i taught the girls, those are the mommy squirrels. they pull out their fur to line their nests. yesterday i found a pile of dead bee bodies by the wall which i know, every year, houses the carpenter bees. i guess they are doing their spring cleaning. fat black bodies with yellow downy hair. they are quite beautiful. the ants were carving them up into pieces and carrying them away.
yesterday evening i saw half-tail racoon out for his evening stroll. i get the impression he is pretty old but that might be because he’s super skinny right now. last time we saw him regularly he was roly-poly and waddled. he just meandered across the back alley about 15 feet from me. i really adore racoons. haven’t seen or heard ginger cat yet. hope he made it through the winter okay but he was looking really ill in the fall so i don’t have much hope of seeing him this year.
20 degrees, it seems, is too much for me. i am perfect in the morning. before the sun bakes everything and theres a really delightful breeze. then the clouds get burned away and it gets HOT. yeah thats right, 20 is hot. too hot for me, since i have my own internal hot water bottle right now. by the middle of the afternoon i am a sweaty, uncomfortable, sore-jointed slightly nauseous very big preggo. i don’t eat a whole lot of dinner. i do most of my eating in the morning and then just snack in the evening. we were out the other day and i asked Jim what i was supposed to do with the extra fish that blaze didn’t eat. he said “wrap it up and put it on your shelf’ meaning my belly. i could actually tuck things under my breasts and they would stay put I’m sure. my breasts just about sit on top of my belly these days.
everything is slowing down. i know i have been saying that for months but thats how it feels.
Ive been thinking about a couple of things recently – firstly, how i can just call fourth life and grow a human without me having to be all that involved. my body just does it. i actually don’t have to do much at all. what a complicated, delicate process! so very many things can go wrong at any stage, and yet remarkably they generally don’t. relatively speaking, i actually have very little idea whats going on inside me, the whole thing is still largely a mystery, yet it happens right inside me!
the other thing is the concept that all the doulas like to tell each other – “trust your body, trust birth” thats really starting to bother me. thats kinda like saying “trust in god”. they all parrot back and fourth, “birth is natural and your body knows what to do” except that sometimes it doesn’t. sometimes it all goes fucking horribly wrong. then what? i hit on something else recently that feels much better in my mind – “respect birth”. you can’t ‘trust’ it all the time. do not put your trust blindly in this thing that is changeable and very, very difficult and even inherently dangerous. but you’d better fucking respect it and be ready for it to go awry.
i am trying to be careful not to get so caught up in how this baby will get out. this third time, I’m not as concerned about how it goes. it’ll just… go. it’ll happen. she’ll get out. i don’t have anything to prove, i have had two absolutely perfect, beautiful births already so i know that i am capable of that kind of thing. i don’t really have a plan, other than an emergency plan. i thought i wanted a birth pool but actually i am finding that i really don’t feel that strongly about it. not feeling strongly about it is a good idea. i have seen parents get so tightly attached to the way they want it to go, and of course it doesn’t, and so they end up suffering the most.
Jim mentioned to me that he is thinking of applying to teachers college. i turned around and said i am thinking of applying to midwifery. we kinda looked at each other for a while, trying to sort out how we would balance that out. i couldn’t go back to school for a few years so maybe we will take it in shifts. this would take some serious thinking about. not sure we can afford to put both of us back in school. teachers college is two years. midwifery is 4. and its really, really hard. he has also applied to a full-time position at humber that just came up. he has a pretty good chance at getting this since he is ALREADY at humber and has proven that he can do it. it would be just perfect – we would stay in our tiny brick-oven of an apartment and put up with our intolerable neighbours and slowly start the housing search and move when we were ready, and not on anyone elses tight schedule.
i am really enjoying stitching on this mushroom chart. its so slow and tedious and tiny and its going to take forever and thats why i love it. i try not to think about how ridiculous it is.