i wish this picture could capture how tired i am. thats Twiggys ears. she was napping on the bed. shes fucking ALWAYS napping on the bed. i am so jealous that she gets to nap whenever she wants. on MY bed.
i think this is my last baby. at least, thats my plan right now. i know that it may change in a few years so I’m keeping that in the back of my head. if we accidentally got pregnant again we would probably keep it. but i don’t think there will be any more intentional babies. this one has been rough. i cant imagine being pregnant again with THREE kids to look after. im not yet ready to say ‘this is it FOREVER’ but I’m thinking thats the route we are going. i can’t imagine being spread any thinner. how can i share myself over four people and still have anything left for myself? i think three will be the limit of what i can handle. motherhood is hard and i need to recognize my own threshold.
the exhaustion is mounting. i really, really feel like i am full term. this is the type of tired i remember from being 39 weeks. only its hitting me now. its probably a combination of pregnancy plus drugs. i need to find the balance between exhaustion and being okay. im feeling better, but i think my dose will need to be upped because im not where i’d like to be yet. i was okay most of the week then had a bad day today. but a higher dose may mean i’m even more tired.
jim worked 30 hours this week. that doesn’t sound like a lot, but i really can’t keep up on the chores by myself right now. generally i have a little bit of energy in the morning, for a couple of hours, and then by noon its all over. today i did literally nothing. it feels super shitty. i am asking him for help but he is also swamped already. i think we are calling it quits and calling a cleaning lady for a one-time serious deep cleaning. having to do that also feels really shitty.
seriously, i had a nap at 9am today. i got up at 7:30, got the girls to school, looked at the laundry, decided i couldn’t manage it and went to bed. however, as soon as i am on my side this baby girl goes crazy. she is content if i am moving and she is being rocked, but once i lay down its full-blown Irish dancing in there. then all her bouncing around means i get those super annoying practice contractions. she actually did the matrix the other day and walked up the walls of my uterus to flip over. i felt it. she hates the rocking chair. the rocking is fine. the sitting in it, theres something about my posture that squishes her a bit and she lets me know.
i feel like my emotions have had an epidural. thats the best way to describe it. when you have contractions, the epidural doesn’t actually take them away- you feel them start, and feel them end, but it kinda takes the top edge off. they build to a point and then suddenly you can’t feel it getting any bigger anymore. the actual contraction continues climbing up in intensity but mamas have a ‘cut off’ point where they can’t feel that build up anymore. i feel like thats happened to my moods. all my moods. everything is a bit numb, the intensity is gone, it got cut off. for bad moods this is a relief but i also feel disconnected from everything else. this is also my last baby because i really don’t like the idea of needing to be medicated and numb in order to get through pregnancy.