springtwist

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26 April 10, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 5:15 pm

i wish this picture could capture how tired i am. thats Twiggys ears. she was napping on the bed. shes fucking ALWAYS napping on the bed. i am so jealous that she gets to nap whenever she wants. on MY bed.

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i think this is my last baby. at least, thats my plan right now. i know that it may change in a few years so I’m keeping that in the back of my head. if we accidentally got pregnant again we would probably keep it. but i don’t think there will be any more intentional babies. this one has been rough. i cant imagine being pregnant again with THREE kids to look after. im not yet ready to say ‘this is it FOREVER’ but I’m thinking thats the route we are going. i can’t imagine being spread any thinner. how can i share myself over four people and still have anything left for myself? i think three will be the limit of what i can handle. motherhood is hard and i need to recognize my own threshold.

the exhaustion is mounting. i really, really feel like i am full term. this is the type of tired i remember from being 39 weeks. only its hitting me now. its probably a combination of pregnancy plus drugs. i need to find the balance between exhaustion and being okay. im feeling better, but i think my dose will need to be upped because im not where i’d like to be yet. i was okay most of the week then had a bad day today. but a higher dose may mean i’m even more tired.

jim worked 30 hours this week. that doesn’t sound like a lot, but i really can’t keep up on the chores by myself right now. generally i have a little bit of energy in the morning, for a couple of hours, and then by noon its all over. today i did literally nothing. it feels super shitty. i am asking him for help but he is also swamped already. i think we are calling it quits and calling a cleaning lady for a one-time serious deep cleaning. having to do that also feels really shitty.

seriously, i had a nap at 9am today. i got up at 7:30, got the girls to school, looked at the laundry, decided i couldn’t manage it and went to bed. however, as soon as i am on my side this baby girl goes crazy. she is content if i am moving and she is being rocked, but once i lay down its full-blown Irish dancing in there. then all her bouncing around means i get those super annoying practice contractions. she actually did the matrix the other day and walked up the walls of my uterus to flip over. i felt it. she hates the rocking chair. the rocking is fine. the sitting in it, theres something about my posture that squishes her a bit and she lets me know.

i feel like my emotions have had an epidural. thats the best way to describe it. when you have contractions, the epidural doesn’t actually take them away- you feel them start, and feel them end, but it kinda takes the top edge off. they build to a point and then suddenly you can’t feel it getting any bigger anymore. the actual contraction continues climbing up in intensity but mamas have a ‘cut off’ point where they can’t feel that build up anymore. i feel like thats happened to my moods. all my moods. everything is a bit numb, the intensity is gone, it got cut off. for bad moods this is a relief but i also feel disconnected from everything else. this is also my last baby because i really don’t like the idea of needing to be medicated and numb in order to get through pregnancy.

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3 Responses to “26”

  1. Buddy, what ever happened to the money that people gave (right around the time of your wedding) so that you guys could get help in for cleaning? Point being, hope you don’t feel bad about getting help – especially when you are so tuckered out and stretched thin. <3

  2. springtwist Says:

    We had enough for six cleaning lady visits, so we used them! One by one, little bit at a time when we needed it, over the course of months. It feels pretty ridiculous to pay someone while I am home most of the time though. I should be able to keep up on it. I think of it like this: every time I am being lazy and we call a cleaning service, its slightly further away from a house.

    • Yeah, I get that – feels like tough choices. But long-term perspective you feeling better is totally worth it! Wish I were in town, would love to drop by and be useful. (How many times have I said that over the last six years? Yikes. But you know I mean it).


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