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April 25, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 9:57 pm

my sicky little girl

blaze feels awful. she can’t sleep, she keeps waking up to barf. imagine waking up out of deep sleep to throw up on yourself. she is scared and cries a lot and has a low fever, so she is chilled and uncomfortable. i just want to tuck her back up inside me and take it all away.

she is exhausted. i am exhausted. jim can’t move out of bed. every time he moves, he throws up too. coco is the only one in the clear. at one point me and blaze were on our hands and knees with our heads together, throwing up on a towel on the floor together. parallel puking.that freaked her out. i bundled up the towel, put her in the bath and dumped the towel in the sink.

i can’t get sick though. coco can’t nurse the rest of us.

coco sat on the desk chair crying quietly with her body turned away from us. later i found her sitting in her bed hugging a toy. she is worried about us all.

blaze is finally sleeping on the couch. the cushion covers are already in the wash. blaze’s aim isn’t good enough to throw up in a bowl, so i spread a towel on the floor and tell her to throw up there. its a bigger surface area. she wakes up, groggily climbs off the couch to half-lay on the towel, cough up some mucous, cries, asks for water, i help her wipe her face, mouth, chest and legs (we gave up on clothes ages ago) and then she dutifully climbs back on the couch to go back to sleep. shes been throwing up about every half hour. i am just desperately hoping that her little body will purge everything it needs to, then just let her sleep.

I’m going to sleep on the couch with her tonight and we can intermittently wake up for her to throw up. hopefully Jim can get a good nights sleep and can cover for me tomorrow.


blaze stopped throwing up around 1am and her fever went down. i very thankfully moved her to her bed. i pulled the carpet out of their room just in case. I bundled up all the laundry, just barely made it to the bathroom to throw up myself, cleaned the bathroom floor, got the cats in and tucked cordelias blanket back around her snugly and then put myself to bed. jim had a really rough night. i lost count of how many times he woke up to go puke up nothing. he got up when it was barely light out because he was too uncomfortable to sleep. apparently he made a rice pudding, then went back to bed again after drinking a quart of Gatorade.

if i had a full stomach of water i would throw it up. the catch is that if i get too dehydrated i will go into pre-term labour. if your body starts to run out of resources it just says “right, enough of this,” and shoves the baby out. i thought about at what point do i go to the hospital for IV fluids, and who do i call to go with me when jim can’t move. i couldn’t sleep well because i was so dehydrated but had to pace myself drinking water. got a few hours undisturbed sleep once i slowly got myself better hydrated.

girls are much, much better this morning. blaze slept through the night and coco only got up a few times to have soupy, smelly poos. collectively we are an utter mess. i took jims lead and gave the girls gatorade this morning as well.

on the agenda for today is laying low. doing a massive amount of laundry and mopping the living room and bathroom floor and trying to get the girls to nap.

one more thing i can’t get out of my head – the girls and i both got some cuddles in with baby lucy yesterday, just hours before we all started throwing up. she is four weeks old. a stomach virus may very well put her in the hospital. please please please baby lucy, don’t get sick.


there can’t be 12 more weeks of this April 20, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 1:27 pm

got the girls to school. went back to bed. cats came to keep me company. demanded that Jim come hug me a few times. picked up blaze, got her a snack, tided the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher and half-loaded it again, made more bread. ignored the stuff that is SOMEHOW all over the floor again.

my pelvis pops when i walk. i can’t even identify which part of my pelvis. where i feel it popping is where i know there isn’t a bone. yesterday I cleaned up the girls room and then came to ask Jim very awkwardly if he could maybe come pick up the last toys from the floor so I could vacuum? bending over makes my bones slide around uncomfortably. the last trek of pregnancy causes a hormone to be released which makes your ligaments mushy. my bones need to be able to slide past each other in order to squeeze out a tiny, fully complete human. it really is a tight fit. but in the meantime, it makes my joints sore. especially with the past three rainy, heavy-air-pressure days.

baby is really opinionated. i can’t lay on my left. must be however shes positioned herself, which seems to be mostly leaning into the right side of my uterus. if I’m on my right side my uterus makes a little hammock. if I’m on my left, she kicks me.

I’m slowing down. I’ve been slowed down for a while and I’m fucking tired of it. i don’t do ‘slowed down’. theres so much to do each day and i just can’t get to it all. i feel useless and lazy. i read something somewhere briefly about how being in the final few weeks of pregnancy, your body is doing about the same amount of work as Micheal Phelps does in a swimming race every day. i am tired, i can’t bend over, the chores keep mounting up and the girls keep trashing the place and undoing everything i do every day. instead, the girls just watch too much tv each day while i lay in bed. it feels gross.

braxton-hicks practice contractions. seriously, we don’t need to practice, uterus. i know you can push a baby out in half an hour. in fact, its probably better if you are out of practice and a bit rusty. i looked at my old midwifery records for my past labours, and apparently i went from 7cms to birthing blazes head is 9 minutes. yeah… thats supposed to take about 3 hours, as a general rule of thumb. my midwife told me that shes going to teach me to catch my own baby since there is a very real chance that she won’t get there fast enough. labour is supposed to be an all-day process. but for me, it might just be a quick addition to one of our afternoons. i could get up in the morning, eat breakfast, do some laundry, make the girls a snack, quickly drop a baby, then go turn the laundry over, answer some emails and make dinner. maybe i’ll start my labour by making a cake. and then while it’s baking i can just simply take 40 minutes and give birth! then we can pull the warm cake out of the oven and eat it. perfect.


well the productive days are finished April 16, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 3:19 pm

i got up, did the school thing, and then went back to bed. then spent the whole afternoon eating junk food and knitting and watching TV. feels a bit crummy. probably all the junk food. Jim at least made me a decent breakfast after i dropped off Cordelia. which i nearly slept through and missed eating while it was warm. but i finished my giant knitting.

another window is open. the cats flood to these windows for naps.

we are playing ‘bird call identification’ these days. so nice to hear some birds outside. in the mornings i hear cardinals and blue jays. Jim heard something he thought was maybe a chickadee, so he found audio clips of chickadee songs last night at like 10pm and tried to match what he heard to the songs. bindi heard the audio clips, of course she can’t know that they are audio clips, so she ran to the open window to stare out through the screen into the pitch-black with her little body tense and ready to spring, trying to spot the chickadee that was so close to the window and probably needed killing. her local, free-range, 100-ft diet will probably start up again soon. she would be an excellent barn cat.

we have a bird feeder right now. i bought a little ‘bird feeder in a box’ kit thats made for kids to build. its for like 8 years olds, but the girls were fascinated by this thing and stuck with me, awkwardly trying to use a screwdriver. Cordelia LOVES instructions and really wants to get things just perfectly right. arguably this is a nice personality trait, but we have to work on it a bit because she yells and throws things if they don’t work out exactly. anyway we are not keeping this little bird feeder. it would become a cat feeder in no time at all. the last thing i need to do is bring even more local wildlife closer to the ground and distract them with food while i have two outside cats. the bird feeder can go live at my moms house.

we have been babysitting my moms fish since she has been in the UK. she asked me to feed him while she was away and thers jsut no way i’m driving to mississauga to feed a betta twice a week, so i put him in a quart sized mason jar and took him home. he has lived in his mason jar all week, and will be returned, in his mason jar, this weekend. the only thing that occurred to me last night was that he has lived on the kitchen counter directly in front of the microwave all week. its a safe spot where the cats won’t try to drink his water or knock over his jar, but it also means poor little thing probably has cancer now from microwave radiation.

i am SO TIRED. there. i said it. and Jim is tutoring tonight and won’t be home until about 8 or so. SO TIRED SO TIRED SO TIRED. gotta pace myself to make it until bed time.

i gotta convince blaze to get some clothes on so we can go pick up Cordelia and then i am going to drag my exhausted preggo self and the girls in the wagon to the grocery store and buy some fruit and something stupidly easy to feed them for dinner. i don’t even care.


April 15, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 1:28 pm

Got the girls to school. I am really loving that we can just go outside. I don’t have to yell about snow pants, coats, mittens and hats anymore. We just put on our shoes and go outside. The director of blazes nursery did a double-take when she saw me tIis morning. “So uhh.. You’ve been hiding a secret under your coat all winter?”

I watched half a show while I ate breakfast and then put away two baskets of clean laundry. Filled those baskets with EVEN MORE laundry and took them downstairs to be washed. I am now washing the third load of laundry. There’s probably two more to go. Its all lined up downstairs waiting its turn. Laundry is also much less of a chore when its not minus 27 outside.

Jim was tutoring this morning, and when he got home he decided to match all the tupperware and purge the million extra lids that no longer have containers to match. Now we can actually open the drawer again. He set up some bread to bake. We just learned of a new technique for bread: If you make bread with a starter, after you make the dough, stick it all in the fridge overnight. This slows down the yeast but allows the good bacteria to do its thing, which is what makes that sourdough flavor. It does rise in the fridge, but its slow. Pull it out the next day and let it warm up to wake up the yeasts. Jim made a small loaf last night without using the “rest in the fridge” trick and I can tell you already that today’s dough tastes very different from yesterdays baked bread.

Blaze is home and driving us both insane. She’s experimenting with being a dictator. She currently just yells and whines at us non-stop when she wants anything. “Mama, get me some bread with jam on it right now!” Uh, no way kid. Try that again please. Shes got this new phase goin on where she demands i make her food, yells about how hungry she is, and when i make her something she takes threebites,proclaims that shes full and pushes it away. Then 20 minutes later she yells about being hungry. When i tell her “so eat your snack” she rejects it and demands that i make her something else instead. Generally its something we don’thave right now. It seems like a million times a day I tell her “you need to use nice words when you talk to me. When you are rude i don’t want to help you” so today I just gave up and told jim to turn a show on for her so we can both actually get some things done. Forget this trying to be a good mom. I’m just going to be the mom who survives.

I am slowly opening the windows. First the back door and then one of our bedroom windows, and today one of the girls windows.


April 12, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 3:09 pm

im tired. it feels stupid to write about that AGAIN but its true. today i am tired. it is 3 in the afternoon. all I’ve done is eat some food and take the girls to the park with my neighbor and her boys for two hours. i should be putting in even the tiniest bit of effort in cleaning. i am not. the place is, as always, an utter shit hole.

jim is applying to full-time teaching positions. this year the options are: waterloo, niagara falls, a couple places in new york, possibly chicago, and then some tiny greek island somewhere.

waterloo sounds safest. if he got one of those jobs, we would be moving about 12 seconds after baby was born. i do not want to be stranded with a newborn in a community i dont know. he DOES need a full-time position, cobbling together part-time positions is working right now but its not going to work much longer. but we need to go where the work is because theres so little of it. i am willing to go to somewhere for a three-year contract, but i really don’t want to go somewhere and then be stuck and never come back. theres nothing for me in these places. he will be going there to get a great job, basically his dream job, i will be walking away from all my supports and directly into the clutches of my depression.


art school seems to be paying off. April 11, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 1:04 pm

following up from last night – jim got home, and i really forced myself to get up. i took the girls out to the art store. i paused before picking up the car keys, and thought, “i might be too tired to be driving”. jim cleaned the kitchen and washed all the pans and picked up all the toys in the living room, a feat that i can’t really bend over to reach anymore. the floors are gradually becoming his thing. meanwhile, i played that really difficult game of ‘watch two kids at once in the art store’ where they run off in opposite directions and want me to buy them every pack of stickers.

i tried to keep them out the house for as long as reasonably possible. it was already bed time. somehow, they hadn’t had dinner yet (how does this keep happening?) i figured that going to the grocery store would be just about the worst plan ever, but couldn’t come up with anything else that would kill time and was still open at nearly 8 at night. so we went.

taking children to the grocery store while they are hungry is the biggest exercise in patience. taking children to the grocery store while they are hungry AND I AM DEAD ON MY FEET is worse.

we survived. we got the necessities. we didn’t get much crap.

then they went home where jim had made sushi and we half-assed fed them (this means Jim presented them with a plate of sushi, shoved some stuff off the table so there was a clear spot, and i gave them their new sticker books and we both just walked away and left them to it) half the time we actually have a sit-down dinner with a totally clear table. but its just not realistic to do that every night. thankfully they don’t seem to notice.

put them to bed. blaze finally fell asleep around 10. i peeled myself out of the rocking chair and went straight to my bed. jim came to see if i was interested in watching a show with him, took one look at me and then didnt even ask. so i think he may have read to me instead but honestly i don’t remember. lately he has been reading a math textbook to me at night. he wants to read it, and i don’t care what he reads right now i am asleep in no time. good system.

i slept. and slept and slept. i woke up a bunch of times (thanks, krill,) and re-positioned my pillow nest, accidentally booted twiggy who was half under the covers at my feet, and went through the endless dilemma of “my hip is really sore from being on this side for so long. but baby seems to be sleeping right now. if i roll over i might shake her awake. which is worse, my sore hip or waking her up?” if i swing over reallllllly slow and smooth she generally stays asleep. if not, shes up for a while doing her acrobatics and i can’t sleep through that shit. it is a risky choice.

we slept in. the girls got up and went back to their stickers and then played ‘wedding’ for a long time. i can hear them from my bed but i don’t have to get up to supervise anymore (this is THE BEST). got up around 9. pulled the leftover pie crust dough out the fridge, made strawberry tarts from strawberries we picked and canned last spring and then used the syrup to make strawberry ice cream. feeling better so far today.

jim took the girls to the zoo just now. we are really making the most of the zoo membership, it’s going to be so that the zoo will start needing to pay us to go each visit will get so cheap. blaze’s favourite animal at the zoo? the pig-nosed turtle. she thinks they love her. she thinks they look for her and are happy to see her. she wants one for a pet. i am under strict instructions to do NO CLEANING but to get some painting done instead. apparently so long as i am working on game illustrations i have immunity. i’m totally going to abuse that.

i should be able to get the sky jellyfish done today and move onto the little falcon-coloured wyvren. he is going to be tricky. im also rolling some ideas around about painting┬áthe girls into this game somehow. turning blaze into some wild, dirty matted-hair wood nymph child, and I’ve got this image in my head of cordelia wearing a purple dress with purples flowers having a tea party with a camel. i dont know why a camel. just a camel. she’s made the camel wear purple flowers too.


so pleased with this so far. the trick to watercolours, apparently, is “for the love of everything, stop now before you over-work it and end up with a sludgy mess.” they are fast. i swore off watercolours when i was 14 becasue i deeply hated them compared to acrylics, but i’m thankful now that my teacher made me get good at them first. IMG_4158

the wings will kill me though. im afraid to do his wings.


26 April 10, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 5:15 pm

i wish this picture could capture how tired i am. thats Twiggys ears. she was napping on the bed. shes fucking ALWAYS napping on the bed. i am so jealous that she gets to nap whenever she wants. on MY bed.


i think this is my last baby. at least, thats my plan right now. i know that it may change in a few years so I’m keeping that in the back of my head. if we accidentally got pregnant again we would probably keep it. but i don’t think there will be any more intentional babies. this one has been rough. i cant imagine being pregnant again with THREE kids to look after. im not yet ready to say ‘this is it FOREVER’ but I’m thinking thats the route we are going. i can’t imagine being spread any thinner. how can i share myself over four people and still have anything left for myself? i think three will be the limit of what i can handle. motherhood is hard and i need to recognize my own threshold.

the exhaustion is mounting. i really, really feel like i am full term. this is the type of tired i remember from being 39 weeks. only its hitting me now. its probably a combination of pregnancy plus drugs. i need to find the balance between exhaustion and being okay. im feeling better, but i think my dose will need to be upped because im not where i’d like to be yet. i was okay most of the week then had a bad day today. but a higher dose may mean i’m even more tired.

jim worked 30 hours this week. that doesn’t sound like a lot, but i really can’t keep up on the chores by myself right now. generally i have a little bit of energy in the morning, for a couple of hours, and then by noon its all over. today i did literally nothing. it feels super shitty. i am asking him for help but he is also swamped already. i think we are calling it quits and calling a cleaning lady for a one-time serious deep cleaning. having to do that also feels really shitty.

seriously, i had a nap at 9am today. i got up at 7:30, got the girls to school, looked at the laundry, decided i couldn’t manage it and went to bed. however, as soon as i am on my side this baby girl goes crazy. she is content if i am moving and she is being rocked, but once i lay down its full-blown Irish dancing in there. then all her bouncing around means i get those super annoying practice contractions. she actually did the matrix the other day and walked up the walls of my uterus to flip over. i felt it. she hates the rocking chair. the rocking is fine. the sitting in it, theres something about my posture that squishes her a bit and she lets me know.

i feel like my emotions have had an epidural. thats the best way to describe it. when you have contractions, the epidural doesn’t actually take them away- you feel them start, and feel them end, but it kinda takes the top edge off. they build to a point and then suddenly you can’t feel it getting any bigger anymore. the actual contraction continues climbing up in intensity but mamas have a ‘cut off’ point where they can’t feel that build up anymore. i feel like thats happened to my moods. all my moods. everything is a bit numb, the intensity is gone, it got cut off. for bad moods this is a relief but i also feel disconnected from everything else. this is also my last baby because i really don’t like the idea of needing to be medicated and numb in order to get through pregnancy.