Not really sure what the fuck is going on today. Only that I didn’t do a good job with blaze today.
not convinced that I’m not just unconsciously secretly faking it. Milking it and inventing it so that I can be a lazy ass. All I did today is be mean to blaze, put on two loads of laundry and spend two hours painting a jackalope while blaze wasted her life watching too much tv. I suppose TECHNICALLY the jackalopes are “work” but it’s quite a stretch to call it that. Am I actually low on energy or am i using this pregnancy as an excuse and fooling myself? I wish somebody had the answer to that and would just tell me. I don’t even want it sugarcoated – if i am being an awful shit just tell me.
I have noticed a subtle “pushing away” of the two girls who are outside my body and a “tuning in” to the one inside. I haven’t been a superb mother to them recently but jim has been awesome. He has been stepping in to take over when I am struggling with them as well as pointing out to me that I’m being a dick and a bully. I bet there is a hindbrain, primitive reason for this pushing away – I think its pretty common for most mammals to wean and chase off their previous offspring when they are growing new ones.
Sondra wants to do a baby shower/mother blessing/mash-up… thing… for me in may or June. I wasn’t thinking of having one at all but maybe it could be good for me. She asked me to think it over and consider what i want. It just hit me, about half an hour ago, that what i will really need is for people to show up with frozen lasagnas. I don’t need gifts or clothes or baby shit. But if I was able to fill my freezer with food? That would be awesome. And feeding myself regularly will be a practical punch in the face for postpartum depression.