Protected: February 28, 2015
Feeling big today. Even though this is only the halfway point really. My belly button is slowly making its way from concave to flat. Then it will continue right on out to convex, right at the end.
I am tired. Got girls to school then jim and I went to my appointment. I asked my midwives to put a referral for me into the women’s college program. I have felt fine for a while but I know that ddoesn’tmean a whole lot. I asked Sara her opinion on starting back on SSRIs while pregnant because I don’t know much about that. She said that the recommendations haven’t changed even though there’s been dozens of studies done about the subject – its better to treat it than suffer, for mom AND fetus. The risk to the fetus is higher if mom is untreated. A low dose doesn’t seem to affect babies.
We picked up blaze and went to grocery store. Jim went to get his phone fixed, i cleaned the kitchen and made chocolate coconut brownies for my neighbour as a thankyou for her willingness to do some last-minute babysitting. Ran the dishwasher twice. Took blaze to pick up coco. Gave the girls a snack and a show and told them Iwas going to put away laundry but i went to bed instead. They came to ask me to do things for them a few times So it wasn’t exactly completely restful. Eventually blaze just got into bed with me. I think we both slept for a short while.
Jim came home from ryerson. He tried to keep the girls quiet so I could sleep but Igot up to make dinner. Fed everyone, and felt yucky. Didn’t eat much myself and though I feel a bit guilty about not being very productive i think I will just drink a bucket of water and go back to bed again.
18 weeks, girl number three. February 18, 2015
give or take. the ultrasound lab thinks my due date is july 14th my midwives think its july 17th. i think ‘whatever the hell.”
baby krill has a gender (apparently i only have one trick) and quite possibly a name. but we are working on that a bit more before it becomes finalized. gotta spend a few days rolling it around in our heads and see if it really fits.
i teased Jim about only having girl sperm. or perhaps his girl sperm are tanks and his boy sperm are wusses.
i have been up for over 24 hours at a labour and i am CRASHING. these long labours are much harder on me now that i am pregnant. i basically drove from the hospital to home, had a very short nap and then went straight to teach my program. went from my program to my ultrasound and then into the regular evening chaos.
i made a slightly too spicy chipotle beef stew.
I’ve been thinking about how easy it is to cook recently. the other day i made a vegetable and bean soup. basically a minestrone. simple, minimal spices, and it was great. we ate it for two days. today, the stew. i cut up some vegetables and browned them in a pot, tossed in two packages of stewing beef (thanks mom for the free meat) added chipotle peppers, a little bit of our own chicken stock and on a whim, some sherry vinegar. cooked it for the entire afternoon. at the last moment added quinoa. how easy is that? why can’t people cook? it truly doesn’t take long at all. i figure that in the amount of time you order a pizza and wait for it to show up, generally 30-40 minutes, you could have made a meal. you know whats super easy? a couple fried eggs. there – dinner. people need to eat every day so you may as well learn to cook. it helps if you learn how to cook healthy and decent meals too. being able to cook on the fly is something i am proud of – you know, one of those “end of the world life skills”.
my dads version of cooking is look in the fridge and pull out anything that looks like a sauce in a bottle and toss it all into this one thing. fish sauce, oyster sauce, rice vinegar, soy sauce, and then some stale-ass “mostly salt” spice mix all go into a stir fry, which is cooked for half an hour and then “kept warm” for the next 20 minutes. it is paired with a package of uncle bens chicken-flavoured rice. all i can taste is processed flavours and way too much salt. the vegetables are DEAD. the fake chicken is nasty. its a slurry. just let the ingredients speak for themselves. sure, learn how to use spices and sauces, but also more importantly learn WHEN TO NOT USE spices and sauces.
the other thing I’ve been thinking about is that now i am large enough that its becoming a bit obvious. that gal is preggers. most people around me know, but whole hoards of people don’t know. my ASL classmates. all the parents who i see each day at the girls schools. In the spring, I will be going out without a giant winter coat and BAM there’s a belly alright. Its no secret anymore. Its weird and slightly uncomfortable that suddenly, my body shape will give away personal information about me. The first few days I will have lots of people getting excited and asking questions. “We never knew! You look so young!” Blah blah.
At home and around certain people I wear clothes that show my large round obvious belly. But I have noticed that around other people or in other situations, I pick a baggy sweater. Soon the baggy sweater won’t cut it anymore. The other week we went to Jim’s moms for dinner and I just didn’t feel like advertising this baby much so I grabbed a shapeless sweater, hoping that I wouldn’t have to have a conversation about ultrasounds or names or any of her friends pregnancies or if we are moving or buying a minivan or not. Still, at this point I can choose to reveal the pregnancy or not depending on how I feel.
there IS something wrong.
its the apathy. i can see it now. it starts off with stopping caring about keeping up on the laundry or the state of the kitchen or that the girls toys have been CARPETING their floor for a week, and that sounds okay, letting some of those things go sounds like a good thing. but i know this.
it extends into not caring if i eat a decent meal, not caring if all my kids do is watch tv and eat crackers all day, not caring that they are even there really. i spend a lot of time trying to get away from them, to get them to leave me alone. don’t care if i am mean to them when they ask for something for the 8293th time. don’t care that i didn’t feed the cats. can’t be bothered to make any extra efforts in my relationship. i get withdrawn. i just want the internet to entertain me while i eat chocolate all day and don’t give a shit beyond that.
i remember going on those drugs and right away it was a complete change. it was night and day.
i really enjoy our good neighbours. but the people downstairs? absolutely vile.
for about 4 years we put out the green bin every week and tehy put out whatever the other bin was (it alternates between recycling and garbage every week). fine. no issues. we also always cleaned up the green bin when the racoons spilled and rifled through it. actually i say ‘we’ but i really mean ‘jim’. jim has cleaned it up every time. and in the summer that is a nasty job.
so last summer, suddenly this system wasn’t good enough. so they wanted to change the system. they wanted us to put out both bins on week a, and they put out both bins on week b, and alternate like that. fine. we don’t care how we go about it or what pattern you want, so long as its an equal responsibility. you can dictate what that looks like, suit yourself. so we did that for a bit. there were a few weeks in the summer where either we or they were not home, and so we just took over for each other when that happened. again, no issues.
very quickly, they stopped putting out the green bin. we watched this for a few weeks wondering what passive-aggressive attempt at communication was this? and eventually i took to putting the bin out myself on their weeks. this meant that we were putting out the green bin on our week along with the other bin (whatever it was that week) and then on their week, they only put out the one bin and generally me but sometimes jim would go out and put out the green bin. in the summer, the green bin gets nasty very fast. its not really a great idea to leave it for two weeks. so we kinda just absorbed that and did it ourselves because of the nasty factor.
during this time there was also constant bullying happening about the lawn or when we did laundry or WHAT we put in the laundry (nothing that makes a thumping noise) or where the girls were allowed to do chalk. with that going on in the background, eventually i got annoyed with doing their job for them since they were asses to us about so many other things, and i stopped putting out the green bin when it wasn’t our week.
they did nothing. for months.
recently, both me and Jim have asked them very nicely to put out the green bin on their weeks, as per our rental agreement and their own system that they suggested at beginning of summer. the first time Jim asked our neighbour about it, he swore at Jim. but we got a reason out of him – he doesn’t put out the green bin becasue he doesn’t believe that Jim cleans it up well enough when the racoons spill it. the one time he was talking about specifically was the day before Halloween when, we suspect, we were the victim of a prank. somebody (and not raccoons who would not be strong enough to do this) dragged our green bin to the front lawn and dumped it all over the lawn. Jim cleaned it up as best her could, which was about 90% of the garbage. the rest was cornflour and cat litter. yeah, can’t pick that up. apparently not picking up the individual grains of cornflour and cat litter is ‘not good enough” to a man who has never bothered to clean up the spilled garbage once in five years. so he stopped putting the garbage out. btw, Jim was blown away that this was the reasoning behind their disregard to their own responsibilities. it doesn’t make sense at all. they are annoyed that Jim does 100% of the clean up when the garbage is knocked over?
we talked to the landlady. she basically said “don’t get me roped into this i want to stay out of it.” k thanks lady, super helpful. so we tried talking to them again a few more times and continued to get yelled at, etc. neighbour likes to insinuate that we are dumb and lazy so we get condescending comments a lot. at some point recently, neighbour knocked on the door to yell at me about where we park the car, which was a rental, which we cannot park on the street because it does not have a permit, so it needs to be parked in the alley. apparently this is a great big deal. then neighbour called landlady to bitch to her about where we park the car. so landlady calls us and talks to us, and does this awesome thing where she hears us out. that parking issue is explained and she knows that its a temporary issue until we get our new car. no problem. and Jim says “btw, they still arent putting out the garbage and we have tried to talk to them,” and really, its about time she does something helpful. so she calls them.
she reports back to us. neighbours have stopped using the green garbage entirely and now think that becasue they don’t use it, they are no longer responsible for them. (not sure how they would feel if we stopped using the recycling and said ‘too bad, we arent dragging it to the curb any longer”) we point out that putting food scraps into the grey bins is, in fact, illegal. neighbour suggests a system where they put out one bin on their week and we put out two bins on our week and one bin also on their week. we say no deal. landlady makes them take out the green bin that week.
so neighbour grudgingly takes out the green bin. when we see it later, it’s top is snapped off and missing. Jim is suspicious that neighbour broke it on purpose.
landlady writes a letter to both us and the neighbours. it clearly states that hte garbage is a 50/50 responsibility. we leave it to neighbours to dictate what thats going to look like.
on their week, which is this week, they put out only one bin. fuckers.
i leave this morning with both girls to go to school, and the woman neighbour who has generally been super sweet to us leaves her door at the same time. we greet each other and talk about cocos school for a moment. then i ask:
“hey, what do you want to do about the garbage?”
“what do you mean?”
“well i put out the green bin today becuase you guys didnt even though its your week. so i just want everyone on the same page. what system do you want? we are flexible. if you won’t do the green garbage we will do it every week”
“great, thats fine”
“but you need ot do the other bin every week.”
“no. only on our weeks.”
“we just got a letter saying it neesd tobe a 50/50 split.”
“we don’t use the green garbage”
“are you aware that you are legally obligated to use the green garbage?”
“so if we stopped using the recycling that would mean we didnt need to put it out?”
“yes, but you do, so you have to”
“but not putting out the green bin is not a fair 50/50 split.”
to which she flipped me off and said “up yours kyla” and marched off.
holy fuck. its totally absurd, the bullying. ITS JUST A GODDAMN GARBAGE BIN STOP BEING TOTAL ASSHOLES.
i am in favour of getting our own bins. we can have our own recycling and our own garbage and take the green bin since they ignore it and we will put out of our garbage every week and its done with. i thought about talking to our neighbour Jane who is one of those lovely neighbours, and asking could we share her bins and we should share putting them out with her on garbage day. then we arent using ANY of our own bins and since we arent using them we are no longer responsible for putting them out, as per our neighbours own logic. or we can move.
it is starting to creep under my skin and im finding myself thinking ‘am i really terrible? am i being super rude and nasty like they think i am? somebody here isn’t right, and it could be me! maybe im an awful person!” and thats a bad slippery slope. i can’t risk going that route at all. right now, i am scared every time the doorbell rings in case its my neighbour come to yell at me about something i didn’t know i did wrong. i am anxious when i go outside my door in case i bump into him and he says something nasty. i was going to put on some laundry today – the basket is by the door, but i opted not to because i don’t want to inadvertently, unknowingly do anything thats going to get me insulted. i don’t want to park the car anywhere, do any more laundry, or put out any more garbage ever again.
so this morning jim drafted this letter.
I hope that this letter will end our current difficulties over our collective garbage duties. First, I would like to outline the situation as I see it, so that you will understand my position. For more than four years, we had a system whereby each week we would take out the green bin and you would take out the other bin. We never had any disputes using this arrangement. Last summer, you were going to be spending more time away from home and wanted to change the system to ensure that the garbage was taken out. You suggested that we switch to a system of alternating weeks, and we agreed. However, almost from the beginning, you were delinquent in your duties under this system and for the past six months it has fallen to Kyla and I to take out the green bin every week. We have been doing your job for you, and you have been rude to us about it. Given your dismissive, unproductive, insulting, and obscene treatment of us despite our ongoing consideration, we are not inclined to continue doing you this favour every week.
Pursuant to Deborah’s letter, which clearly outlines that the garbage is a 50% responsibility, we will do as she asks and do half the work. Since you will not do the green bin, this means that we will be doing the green bin every week, and cleaning it up when raccoons spill it. It is our belief that this constitutes more than 50% of the work, as raccoons do not spill the larger bins. Thus, the rest falls to you.
Deborah has informed us that you do not use the green garbage, despite the fact that you are legally obligated to do so, and that it is your belief that this excuses you from your responsibilities. It does not. Notwithstanding the illegal nature of your activities, it is also a fact that nearly all of the waste that our family produces goes into the green and blue bins. I have calculated that it would take us approximately six months of our regular garbage in order to fill the large black bin. So you barely use the green bin and we barely use the black bin. The responsibility for garbage removal remains 50-50, as outlined in the lease and as re-iterated by Deborah in her letter to us.
Kyla and I have each tried to speak to you on separate occasions about this, requesting politely for you to take out the green bin as Deborah instructed, only to have you two swear at both of us. You are apparently not open to negotiation and we are not interested in the stress of continuing this struggle. We welcome the return to the system that served us fairly and in a conflict-free way for four years and hope that this will resolve the issue fully. We do not wish for any further conflict with you, and we have been paying close attention to our responsibilities that Deborah outlined in her letter.
No reply to this letter is necessary. We will do our share and expect you to do yours.
I am delivering a copy of this letter to Deborah to keep her abreast of the situation.
cant image the abuse that’s going to stir up.
I can’t bend over, straight down. I can bend over to one side. I want to eat sour cream out of the tub with a spoon.
Haven’t been having any more headaches. I went to dance today and found that its rather difficult to keep up when I am sharing my oxygen with somebody else. I need to go to bed around 10 – 10:30.
Jim can’t feel krill yet through my skin but that will change pretty soon. Not sure if krill can hear yet – its a bit early to hear, and krill didn’t react to the live piper who was at the church Sunday afternoon, but did seem to react to Laurens fiddle. Definitely reacts to my dancing.
One of the kids in my after school program today looked at me, looked at my belly, asked “are you going to have a baby?”. I said yes. ” when?”. In July. “Does it hurt?” Not right now, but it will be uncomfortable later. “Okay.” And he went straight back to his computer. The end. He got all the info he needed, straight up with no stupid adult nonsense.