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rain April 30, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 4:15 pm

the rainy day has left me miserable and stressed, and full of self-doubt.

i didn’t want to go to nova scotia, but now i really want to. i will be disappointed if Jim doesn’t get that job.

maybe i could go to nova scotia and start over. maybe in nova scotia my house will be clean, maybe my children won’t drive me crazy and maybe i wont be constantly humming with stress. (as if….) if we go to ns i can pretend like im somebody else and nobody will know the difference.

i want to be good at something. i was reminded today that i am shit at ASL. i thought i was getting half-decent. deluding myself into feeling like i was getting better was stupid.

i dont really trust myself right now. ive been medicated for a year, and that was safe. and now im newly out of it, and i have no idea if its going to stick or not. am i okay now? is this normal? am i settled? can i trust that my moods wont literally try to kill me anymore? what if something upsets me and i am triggered and im not medicated anymore. when it comes back in six months, and i’m out of the ‘system’, whos going to help. in six months we could be in a different province.¬† i dont trust that i can do i unmedicated yet.

I feel like what i saw in Cordelia’s face when she learned to walk by herself. she could walk just fine if she held your hand, and she had a firm grip. but if you let go (as in, peeled your fingers out of her tiny fist) she would look scared, shocked and betrayed and she would gently lower herself to the floor to sit down and wait for you to give your hand back. then in the airport, after two weeks of walking all over Europe in her little leather lion slippers, she let go of my hand, balanced herself by holding her arms out like an airplane and took a couple steps. then she turned to me and beamed.

and that was it, she didn’t repeat it for anyone for a long time. she didn’t need to show it to anyone else.



who am i kidding? April 29, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 1:54 pm

i heard this.

and thus, i am going back to dance in the summer. and I’m taking Cordelia with me.

i was just starting to think i was done, and that perhaps i should sell my kilt.


Protected: in the clear. April 24, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 10:14 am

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April 11, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 10:47 am

Twig is in the window, chasing a fly. oh, she just ate it. good! we’ll need her fly-catching skills come summer time.

i was at Sondra’s place last night, chopping up a placenta with a pair of kitchen scissors. peeling it back from the membrane, examining all the sinews and huge blood vessels that have grown a baby boy for the past nine months. its not just one piece – it comes off its membrane is clumps looking like muffin tops of meat. its not like any meat I’ve seen before, spongy, grey-red with big cherry-black clots in it. firm and slippery. it goes into the dehydrator so the momma can consume it all over again, recycling those nutrients back into her body. Sondra has one wing down, and since shes not left handed i had to be her hands.

placentas smell like periods. musty, earthy, like metal. they don’t smell like raw meat. they just smell like blood. its a little queasy if you really pay attention to the smell. i have an apron, gloves, theres sterile pads everywhere, a bucket of bleach for the utensils. and i look up and say “this feels illegal.”

Sondra is a counselor, and i have definitely abused her services many times before. i know i can unload on her and she’ll know exactly how to listen. i told her, with my hands in gloves and covered in someone else blood, “i haven’t been able to relax in two days” she nodded and said we would sit together for a bit after the placenta was finished before i went home.

placenta chopped into tiny pieces and put in the dehydrator. clean up the bloody pads, gloves and cloths. we put the dehydrator in a different room and close the door, open the window. its going to smell really bad for 16 hours.

Sondra calls me over to sit with her at the little table near the window where theres a vase of deep purple tulips and its bright and theres a breeze and it doesn’t smell like placenta. I’m already crying before I cross the room to sit with her, which I didn’t expect. she waits calmly for me to go join her, pushing towards me the box of tissues. she puts on her counselor hat and facilitates me sitting still and digging through all the crap.

i just feel like i’ve reached my limit right now of what i can handle. chores, children, a part-time job that happens at odd hours so it breaks up my day into weird chunks, never knowing if i can count on getting enough sleep, not knowing if Jim is going to up and move us to a different country because he can’t get his shit together and decide if he’s going to finish up his PhD, which means i dont know where or if the girls are going¬† to school next year, or where I’ll be able to find work, or even if its worth me getting invested in building my business here in Toronto at all. I’m tired of waiting for him to decide what to do. playing videogames instead of doing job applications. pouring everything into this momma who just had her boy and is waaaay to over attached to me because she doesn’t have anyone else. cordelia has been a huge shit recently, because shes picking up on all the conflict going on. shes just screaming and crying all the time, which is what i would like to be doing. i am not getting along with her that well recently. blaze is reflecting back my energy in different ways, but i can see its disrupting her as well. i have no relationship right now with that other guy who lives here. i put the girls to bed, then i go to bed. I’m asleep before he turns up usually. i’m going to bed earlier and earlier and i still feel like i cant get enough sleep.

the first thing i did yesterday morning was drive all over the place downtown, picking up my clients other suitcase of baby stuff and taking it back to the hospital for her. IN RUSH HOUR. do you know how completely vile and unpleasant it is to drive in the heart of Toronto at 9 in the morning? and to have that be the first thing you do in your day? most of the streets you are not allowed to turn left OR right on. so what happens is that you are on the road even longer than you would have been in the first place. how is that helping traffic? i got home just in time to trade places with jim – i get home, he goes downtown for a meeting. Cordelia starts screaming and crying. the best i can manage is to throw a plate of food at them, turn on a show AGAIN, and try to go hide somewhere. Jim comes home in just enough time for me to put my shoes on and go teach.

i am running out of time now, i need to go clean up before Bernie arrives.

Twiggy has just realized that if she slides her claws across the glass in the window, it makes a sound her wild ancestor cat instincts really find interesting.