got some attention for those modeling jobs. the first guy gave me some weird vibes in his back and forth emails so I decided I didn’t want to work with him. not that he’s a weirdo, but there were a few comments that didn’t gel with me like when he referred to body hair as ‘distasteful’. the other looks more promising. however i am navigating this carefully as I know that most commercial projects do not want fallen, flat breasts that look like old socks and a belly with no elasticity to it riddled with stretchmarks.
the past two days my head has been spinning. I am caught up in this drama, thinking over the conversations way too many times. its keeping me elsewhere – not here, with my girls, with my laundry, with cooking, as i should be. today i am spending most of the day trying to distract myself.
a dream that i have not had in a long time is the ‘something blocking my mouth’ dream. it could be anything, but the general way that this recurring dream played out was that i had something desperately important to say, usually concerning somebody’s life or death situation, and i would find my mouth full of something so that i couldn’t speak. cotton balls, feathers, ribbons of fabric, a giant ball of hair, once it was raw ground beef. i couldn’t get this stuff out of my mouth and something catastrophic would happen. usually someone would die in some brutal way because i couldn’t warn others or get help.
now i have this dream where my teeth shatter inside my mouth and i have to dig out all the little shards. or my teeth fall out and break in my hands. the internet says broken teeth can mean lost trust, emotional upset and imbalance, a loss of something very expensive (i think they don’t mean materially expensive, but something that oyu put a lot of time and energy into), your life in general falling apart, a fear of getting old, attachment issues, anxiety over your appearance and just about everything else. dream interpretation is the same as astrology – entirely bullshit. they cover all bases and hope that one or two will ring true for you.
today, from Cordelia: “dog and hob. that’s the rhyme of the summer.”