springtwist

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November 26, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 6:37 pm

i change my mind. i dont want anymore children because I’m a shit to the ones i have.

blaze tore all the leaves off my jade plant, that has been looking a little sickly these days anyway, and i BLEW UP. waaaay fucking over the top for a two year old. she couldn’t make eye contact with me and looked terrified.

i do spend a painful amount of time being ashamed of my behavior towards my girls. i am not the mother that i had in mind i should be when i was newly pregnant. that is a cruel truth.

 

November 24, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 6:39 pm

planning for this next week. lots of things happening and i am happy about that.

I am on call for a beautiful and well-grounded momma who is having a little boy just about any day now. some moms i worry about, but not her. shes got her feet firmly rooted.

this is the week of never ending henna. weird, as its the tail end of the year and henna usually goes into hibernation by now. Henna workshop Wednesday morning at a high school. Henna Thurs evening at the hospital. Henna on Saturday for a private party for a mom whos really suffering through with a traumatic birth and the emergency hysterectomy that saved her life… but she can’t get past it. its weird that people get so caught up and locked in like that.¬† and the fixation could be ANYTHING.

not enough time to sit still. time to go.

 

November 13, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 5:54 pm

got some attention for those modeling jobs. the first guy gave me some weird vibes in his back and forth emails so I decided I didn’t want to work with him. not that he’s a weirdo, but there were a few comments that didn’t gel with me like when he referred to body hair as ‘distasteful’. the other looks more promising. however i am navigating this carefully as I know that most commercial projects do not want fallen, flat breasts that look like old socks and a belly with no elasticity to it riddled with stretchmarks.

the past two days my head has been spinning. I am caught up in this drama, thinking over the conversations way too many times. its keeping me elsewhere – not here, with my girls, with my laundry, with cooking, as i should be. today i am spending most of the day trying to distract myself.

a dream that i have not had in a long time is the ‘something blocking my mouth’ dream. it could be anything, but the general way that this recurring dream played out was that i had something desperately important to say, usually concerning somebody’s life or death situation, and i would find my mouth full of something so that i couldn’t speak. cotton balls, feathers, ribbons of fabric, a giant ball of hair, once it was raw ground beef. i couldn’t get this stuff out of my mouth and something catastrophic would happen. usually someone would die in some brutal way because i couldn’t warn others or get help.

now i have this dream where my teeth shatter inside my mouth and i have to dig out all the little shards. or my teeth fall out and break in my hands. the internet says broken teeth can mean lost trust, emotional upset and imbalance, a loss of something very expensive (i think they don’t mean materially expensive, but something that oyu put a lot of time and energy into), your life in general falling apart, a fear of getting old, attachment issues, anxiety over your appearance and just about everything else. dream interpretation is the same as astrology – entirely bullshit. they cover all bases and hope that one or two will ring true for you.

today, from Cordelia: “dog and hob. that’s the rhyme of the summer.”

 

November 12, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 12:31 pm

Tuesdays have no structure, and i do end up the worse off for it.

its 11 30 and i have just considered eating some food or drinking some liquid. had a brief stint on Craigslist looking for modeling/tutoring jobs. last time i looked for a job i got fired in two day. doesn’t bode well for keeping this family afloat.

got into a fight with someone i shouldn’t have, someone i shouldn’t even BOTHER with under any circumstances. and its tainting my day.

 

November 8, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 2:53 pm

WHY DOES  IT HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING MESSY ALL THE TIME.

shes talking about weaning me off celexa in the spring. that is terrifying. what if it all comes back.

 

November 7, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 4:33 pm

I have become the white girl who sells henna and henna supplies to the brown girls. Weird.

Just went to the post office with 5 bags of henna, 1 jaq bottle and 3 henna cones. Half that goes to some girl in the UK, the other half to a girl in Halifax. little bit of a cultural flip-flop there.

Its hailing outside.

 

this will be about yarn November 5, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 5:19 pm

i am feeling utterly compelled to knit these days. the trouble is that i sometimes don’t love the stuff that i turn out. and i always dream of big complicated things like this one and this one

i just went through the closet and the giant box of yarn and got rid of everything i didn’t realistically see myself using. i have done this before but the fact that i am doing it again should tell you that i never did it quite so ruthlessly. theres things that i have held onto for over a year, thinking “one day i’ll use that yarn” and guess what its still here. out it goes. I’m taking a bag of yarn to the girls school soon to drop off.

so if any of you want knitted things for Christmas/Hanukkah then get your orders in now. socks? scarves? hats? I want (NEED) to make it, and Christmas will give me an excuse.