more quilt today.
i am feeling once again very selfish that my life is like this – minimal effort to keep it up. or, well, what i see as minimal effort. being a momma is tough. finding time to build a business is kinda tough. i just feel like – i have so many good things, and so much time right now to take my time. if i fail at this business thing, nothing truly bad happens. i am able to build up my life gently with largely the support of other people giving me that privilege. i dont really like that part, actually. i don’t like that the life we have right now relies on the income and support of other people, but they are allowing me to do what i am doing now, which is, as far as i can see, be lazy on the internet and read all afternoon and try to ignore my kids. what a lovely life – be lazy on the internet and read. only it makes me angry with myself. i have done zero work to get to this point. i did an undergrad then ignored it. i contribute nothing. except maybe a huge wonky quilt. its pretty slovenly.
my ‘sillies’ are getting intense again. at first i was afraid that for some reason the citalopram was starting to fail me. maybe i needed to up the dose. but then i looked at what was actually happening inside my head – on my bad days, i am fighting pretty darn hard to break the ground-in habits, which is making the whole thing more difficult. its a literal re-wiring.