Protected: florida March 29, 2013
why did this conversation even happen? March 27, 2013
c: i want a cream cheese sushi! (hanging off jims pants)
j: oh you want a cream cheese sushi? i could make that for you. would you like me to make a sushi with the nori and rice and then put some cream cheese in it?
c: no! i want the cheese and the rice …. and….
j: do you want me to make you a sushi with some cream cheese in it?
c: yes! (doing some sort of weird interpretive dance)
j: okay so i will get the cream cheese and put it on the rice and roll it up?c: no!
j: no? do you want a cream cheese sushi?
c: no! i don’t like cream cheese sushis! (starting to cry and running away)
j: oh okay.
wow. weird place, the inside of a toddlers mind.
c: i want little pieces!
j: oh okay i will make your sushi into little pieces for you
j: no…? do you want your sushi in little pieces?
c: no! i want you to roll it up!
j: oh okay, i will roll it up! (goes to roll it…)
c: NO! i don’t want you to roll it up! (starts to cry)
j:oh okay! I won’t touch it! (drops the sushi, holds his hands up) what do you want me to to do? would you like a long sushi where i roll it up, or do you want me to cut it into pieces?
c: i want you to open it!
j: (opens the half-rolled sushi)
c: no i want it closed! (starts to cry)
j: oh okay! yeah i will close it for you. (presents her with the long sushi log)
c: no i want pieces!
j: oh okay. yeah i’ll make good pieces for you.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
-Mary Oliver New and Selected Pomes: Vol 1
slightly weird dream March 24, 2013
i love these dreams that are like strange sci-fi, fantasty books.
-i am a homless, sorta on the run, gang on the street kind of prson. little money, bad attitude, hard life. theres a group of us who all stick together-theres a tavern in the city thats known as a hangout spot tfor thse sorts of people. slightly sleazy, has been there forever
-we all go from job to job picking up a little cash when we can but mostly going without. so i try to get a job at this tavern, thinking it would be a good place to stay for a while sicne they are so welcoming with homless strreet gangs like mine.
-i get a job working downstairs. theres two girls who work here along with the head owner, a fat, ugly old lady whos super mean. she rules over her workers without any kindness. the two other girls who have worked here forever are about my age, and they are also hardened by this treatment. they are angry, miserable group.
-i dont really fit in here. its not what i expected. the girls start out friendly to me but they are afraid of the owner and they also have nowhere else to go so they have to put up with her to stay in work. this is not hte osrt of (world?) where women get jobs easily.
-the tavern is a sort of sketchy place that you wouldnt bring children or well-raised women. its for the lower classes. the very low class.
-as i work there i dont see the owner often shes is usually holed away somewhere, but i do catch the other girls here up to things that are suspicious. eventually (no idea how, apparently my dream didnt expand on this part) that they are all up to really bad things. dont know what they are. anyway, i dont want to work there anymore because i dont want to gt sucked in like those other two girlshave|
-the owner is a sorceress who has been running this tavern with tricks and illusions nad exploiting the people who come here. one example my dream brought up was that the wallsbetween the men and womens bathroom are an illusion, and men who knowthat can see into the womens bathroom. the understanding was that theres lots more of this around and people have been deceived and stolen from while they visit and eat here. the girls who work here knew it, one of them has fallen into that pattern and has turned hard and cold as the owner, the other isjsut in a bad place and cant get out of the situation even though she hates whats happening around her
-so i get fired because the owner and the one girl whos becoming like the owner get suspicous that i’m on to something. the other girl who just felt trapped reveals some of the illusions to me and shows me how peopel have been exploited, she thinksthat finally i can help her do something about it
-so them a whole bunch fo wierd dream stuff happens and suddenly i am back with my street gang. theres like 8 of us in the core group, and the undrestanding is that we pick up anybody whos passing through and take care of them while they stay in our city, so our group numbers fluctuate and right at this point we have aobut 13.
-i tell them about what i’ve seen and leanred and we all decide to do somthing about it.
-so we go to the tavern and whileits full of people, we announce that the owner has been doing this nad the girl on the inside reveals some of the illusions thateverybody has been believing for a while. the wall between the bathrooms reveals itself as being a fake. a couple doors on the wall melt away.
-the owner comes uptairs andhse is furious. she is a reasonably powerful sorcerer afteral so shes starts to magically kick the shit out of everybody in the place. probably some people die. i dont know what happens to the girl who first revealed the illusions.
-my gang and i run for it. we run out of hte city but we arent sure how easy we will be to track for a sorcerer so we head for the forest in the north of the city. the city, it turns out, is now completely under attack from this mean scary old woman and shes destroying a large part of it. most of the city was illusions, she owned it all and ran it like her own personal kingdom, exploiting and controlling the behavior of most of the people. a lot of peole head for the forests to hide out. she cant destroy the forests.
-theres a guy in our group whos a psychic and behaves like a schizophrenic. he’s usualy quite unstable but has moments of clarity. he lives mostly in other places in his head but comes back once i na while to give us really important information. we’ve learned ot listen to him even though others find him too weird and don’t like him.
-theres a whole lot of animals that have escaped the city and ran for the hills as well. they start to come out from the bush. dogs and cats and some wild birds, a couple of goats. the psychic guy tells us that each of these animals has a purpose and they know what it is but we don’t yet. each of them wil pick one of us and we need to allow them to do so. (these aren’t the kind of people who have treated animals nicely in the past, nor do they want to be attached to anything or responsible for another life)
-the psychic guy is very much with us at this point, and as each animal appears (mostly they re strays in the case of the cats and dogs) he gives us the animals name and the animal walks up to a person of our group. the animals have weird names – the psychic tells us its the names that the animals were given at some point in their life, even if they have had many names since then. its the names they were first given, but it may not be the name that suits them or a name that makes any sense to us.
-a dark grey cat (smoke) sleek and large becomes my partner. straggly dogs, mutts, names like bear, quinn, dog – i didnt get to dream all their names.
omg. i think we will find one of these somewhere. or maybe i’ll make one.
part two! March 18, 2013
– a blue elephant scarf from the gardens
-blaxes sweaty head snuggled on my chest as she naps in the carrrier
-sneaking in a cuddle with cordelia while she is sleeping (she doesnt cuddle me anymore. she saves her cuddles for her dad)
-the fact that the girls are small enough to sleep on the floor of te walk-in closet still (iits a very big walk in closet. very, very big. we made a towel and blanket nest on the floor, its like a fort now. it means that they are sleeping in the big bedroom with us instead of down the hall, too far away.)
-the local oranges
-the care and effort that goes into the bird sancutary.
-the babies at the bird scantuary – pelican eggs, baby fuzzy night herons and blue herons. the baby who tumbled from his nest while we were watching, all fluff and down with awkward legs and huge beak.
-blaze patting a goat today, which farted. she was scared of the sudden noise and started to cry and back away. she backed right into the other, bigger goat, which turned and snuffled her hair. this made her cry much harder and call “mama! mama! goat! mama!”. i laughed a lot and pushed goats out of the way and rescued her from goaty doom.
Tomorrow we ar on the hunt for the best key lime pie.
-giant tortoises. we have seen quite a few at various places
-the hawks nest on top of the streetlamp
Playing with the girls at the childrens museum. really, toronto? you cant find it in your heart to have a childrens museum? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? you need one. i can’t imagine why the states get to have them all. I THINK theres one in albera. seriously toronto, if any place is going to have a childrens museum, its oging to be you.
-going to the bthroom at the children museum and leaving jim and the girls playing in the vets clinic section. then when i come back they have moved to the big boat and are all wearing lifejackets. what a sight. jim crunching himself into a slighty too small wooden boat and teaching the girls how to pretend
-the girls learning and sometimes tolerating holding hands.
-cordelia finding the weird strap thing on jims jeans (i think its where you hang your hammer or paintbrush) and thinknig its probalby a handle just for her. she holds onto his jeans and walks around with him. i need to sew this strap onto all of his pants. anything to keep that girl closer to us.
-on that same thread, loosing cordelia multiple times in the bookstore. did she care? no. she has no sense of boundaries. she was just boldly wandering around doing her ownthing, people are starting to wonder who this free-ranging kid belonged too…
-cordelia putting herself to bed on a blow up air mattress made for floating on the water with. Its green. shes decided its her special place. she foound it in the closet within hours of coming here the first day. seriously, do you know what my girls did the first day they were here? they went through every closet and cupboard and door they coould find together, inspecting the contents and pulling out anything that looked interesting. this means all the pool toys, any excercise stuff, and the stuff under the sink that should probably not be kept under th sink
-we are maybe goingg to the greyhound racetrack tomorrow.i its fun when you re little cause its all “oh hey there goes the rabbit! look at the dogs! Oh the brown one! oh the grey oh yay!” but when you start to get older and more aware of your surroundings, you see that its actualy a sleazy place full of sleazy gambling people. then you dont really want to go anymore. i want a greyhound. whould it be wise to adopt an ex-racer less than 24 hoours before we are supposed to fly home? maybe i’ll go look that up now and see what hte policices are for taking dogs out of the country…..
All typos are due to the fact that typing on a tablet is A PAIN IN THE ASS.
-thegirls are having a shower together. they had a shower with dad, but now they are just singing and washing themselves and eachother and fooling around.
-most of our time spent at home yesterday, blaze walked around completely naked except for a pair of striped legwarmers. so damn cute. i love her tiny, round little bum.
-today we went to the zoo. its baby season at the zoo. baby elephant, baby spoonbills (who chose to nest above the alligator exhibit. not a great move. “Stop hitting your brother or i’ll push you into the aligator pit!”) baby stork (aka baby dinosaur. this is one of those like 5 ft tall, dangerous, grumpy storks. not the nice ones from disney movies). baby okapi. if you remember from lat years visit to the zoo i posted a pic of a okapi and said “i think this one is pregnant” well she was. baby boy,, jan 6.
-wild manatees. manatees are critically endangered so this was amazing to see some of them before they are all carved up by power boats and disapppear from the wild.
-people here have very, very low standards of food.
-a lot of low income, probably a lot of poverty in this area. food stamps.
-sleeping next to the ocean.
-I bought a cheaply made indian-style anklet, thte one that has like 30 tiny silver bells that chime as you move. it matches my fading henna. it donest quite match my bold personality. as in, im hardly bold enough to wear it. people might hear it and look at me. scary.
-baby squirrel monkey at the zoo, causing trouble with te adults in the exhibit. bouncing all over thte place, pulling tails, flying awaym teasing likely playmates into games of chase
-blaze swimming. she is abosutely fearless. she swims with a pair of water wings and she will not allow you to help her or hold her or touch her. if you go near her she yells “no! BY MYSELF!” and takes off in the opposite direction. this child is not even two yet, i wish you could see her swim.
-i havent seen dolphins yet.
-sunsets over the ocean
-the sorts of fun things that come up on the waves and dry out thee beach. like a perfectly preserved box fish
-the octopus at the aquarium who was tending a clutch of probably hundreds and hundreds of eggs . keep it up momma, home stretch.
-public gardens. Peeking at the wedding that was taking place there
-cordelias “adventures” where she leads us on a make-believe journey and we see make-believe things on the way
-The anoles that are all over the place here. a rustle in the grass? anole. a flash of brown across the sidewalk? anole. something scampering up the tree? anoles.
-the primate sanctuary. cordelia holding a baby gator.
-being three feet away from an adult male orangutang
-blaze being scared of a tortoise
-really liking my dreads recently
-people here not used to seeing dreads. especially not on a woman who has osme baibes in tow. not fittting the dreadlock stereotype here.
-the truly atrocious tv for both adults and children. its probably not much beter in toronto, im just not used to having cable at all.
-waaay too much icecream, fudge and various junk food.