today after cordelia went to school and blaze fell asleep, i had a super nice, quiet hour and a half. i made a snack, sat on the couch, watched a documentary about 5 people my age in Ontario farming for their first year with very little farming experience (if they can, I can, right?) and it was pretty encouraging. one guy lived at first in a lean-to he made with some plywood, then in a tent which he then built a little bit more around to make it more durable for the winter. He rented this fucking huge piece of land (for one person and a tiny tent) and entirely by hand, only by himself, built up a CSA garden. I kinda want to be his best friend. for those who were farming as couples, i wondered how stressed the relationship must be. how many fights? must be strong to get through those first 5 years together, at least.
it also made me feel particularity lazy by sitting on the couch and watching instead of doing. I was knitting though – that counts for something, yes?
tomorrow i am hennaing two pregnant bellies, one after the other, in two different cities. the first should be a little bit of a healing experience for momma, who has a horrible, devastating birth the first time around and has waited 10 years before getting pregnant again becasue shes so scared to go through another labour like that. the second belly is for a first baby. momma is moving through the transition process to becoming something new.
i think my illustrations might be doing okay. each one get dramatically better than the one before – though I expect that will taper out soon.
i think i will not be becoming a midwife. not right now, not sometimes in the near future. people around me are encouraging me, but it’s a little too scary right now. the scary part is i dont think it quite fits me – i do believe that if i wanted to become a midwife i could do it. i just think i cant take on that type of lifestyle. i dont think i want a regular full-time job, and a midwife is more than a full-time job certainly. my experience in working full-time jobs was that they drained me and i had not all that much left for myself by the end. i think i need to control my own schedule, with lots of things in it that i enjoy, not just one thing. i dont want to become one-faceted in 0ne job and let it take so much from me that i have nothing to do anything else with. i would like to cobble together a couple things until it suits me, and always have the flexibility to switch it up or add some or drop others as time goes. i could teach art lessons, i could expand my doula-thing into breastfeeding support and prenatal classes, i could get my own henna business up. i want to have my hands in everything, and not shut any of those doors. i feel like becoming a midwife would mean that midwifery would leak into everything around it, taking over. maybe at some point i’ll feel like thats what i want to do, but not now.
you also could have your placements at any location in ontario. there are no arrangements for students that come with families and young children – you have to go where they put you. its a lottery system. thats great for students with nothing to hold them down, but it would be very difficult for us to go to a new part of ontario while jim is in a) his Phd or b0 in a steady professor job. its a narrow market for what he’s planning to do, we kinda have to follow him to the jobs, theres not going to be a lot of space to follow me to the jobs as well.
if i were to go into the program part-time, it would take 5-6 years. Cordelia would be in school. blaze would be in school. we’d likely a third somewhere around that time. I thought to myself “the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now” and realized that i might look back and think “dammit. why didnt i do it?’ so have to remember that theres a reason I didn’t plant that tree. there always is. I have sorted out what my reasons are right now. maybe in the future it will be time.