i was drunk once in my first year. i’ve been tipsy a few times, but this time, i remember not being able to dial andrews cell phone number. i sat at the phone for a long time and couldnt remember which buttons to press. then it took me about 10 minutes to remember that i was supposed to dial 416 first. it was a strange experience, very unsettling, and i do not understand why one would want to repeat it.
today i feel like that. i was trying to make a cake with cordelia for her birthday party, and i had to keep checking the recipe every three minutes cause i kept forgetting what i was doing. i fucked it up even despite all those references and we now have a cake that taste so strongly of olive oil that i am not going to serve it to people. its not nasty, and we will eat it at home, but its not chocolate cake. i have a bowl for the wet ingredients and a bowl for the dry, and when i started on the second cake i couldn’t even remember which bowl to put the sugar in.
jim took over briefly and i backed away from the table, and having nothing better to do, folded up. i sat on the floor and put my head down. i feel like i am moving through polyester batting. insomnia, Jim suggested. cant fall asleep, cant go back to sleep, anxiety taking this opportunity to snicker and whisper from the background. theres weird things going on in my brain now too – strange neurological hiccups. yesterday i was absolutely sure i could hear a dial tone and a woman’s voice as if someone was on the phone a long way off. i think i see ants on the floor, strange mis-firings of black on my eyeballs.