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December 29, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 2:48 pm

just went back to check, and…..


the comments are great. i love the comments that say “i thought you’d look much more different than you do… you described yourself as so much worse…” cause it makes me come back to the real world and see that my views are clouded. like i am standing in front of a magic mirror that blows me way our of proportion. i’m glad i decided to do that.


i love my acai seeds but they feel so… small. theres 23 of them on the string (literally a piece of kitchen twine) and it seems so constricted to have just a small number. i love the length of real malas, rosaries, or any long lengths of prayer beads. i think i will gradually, slowly, all drawn-out-and-lingeringly build myself a collection of beads that just tickle me for some reason and add to my acai beads until i have a long length of beads, long enough to loop around my wrist at least three times. so it doesnt feel so small.


bottled water. December 27, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 11:31 pm

bottled water is bull.shit.


on a similar note: for the past two days i have taken to carting around with me a quart-sized mason jar full of tea. i’ve gradually fallen in love with quart-sized mason jars to drink out of cause they, well, hold a quart of water. i feel like i am constantly dehydrated, and this is likely true cause i’ve constantly got a small ravenous human being attached to my nipple drinking all my fluids. so i am drinking about three quarts of tea a day.


edit: i feel like i should include: bottle water is bullshit UNLESS your tap water is not safe, non-existent, etc…cause obviously that is the case that i feel that way. but i felt the need to make it obvious-er.


i read something yesterday about how someone who works in some sort of animal care place was ‘very much a carnivore’ when they started there, but then turned vegan after a short time becuase they felt like ‘if i am here caring for these animals, why am i eating others? (which is a worthy thought process, i agree,) and then said “and now i can go to sleep at night knowing that what i am eating is not harming any sentient beings!”

which tells me that you don’t know the first thing about how soy (or insertfoodhere) is farmed. i know that my soy (or insertfoodhere) is responsible for thousands of deaths of sentient creatures. i wish all you vegans knew this too, so you could all stop preaching about how wonderful you are.

theres something really attractive about buying half a cow, because i feel like i know exactly who’s death i am responsible for, and its only one death shared between me and some other family. i’d really love it if we knew exactly which cow, like if we could have a photo or something. i know that all the meat i will be consuming over the next year or so came from one ‘sentient being’. one life could feed my family all year. on that note, a plate of chicken wings really creeps me out. when was it that we could eat a plate of chicken wings for a meal? when there were way too many chickens around that all we needed was their wings? wouldn’t you rather have one life on your plate instead of six?


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Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 2:20 pm

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December 23, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 8:42 pm

its not surprising that i managed to hit on something thats not at all new…



i have a string of acai seeds that my mom randomly gifted to me maybe three years ago. she just found them while she was out somewhere and thought i would like them. i wore them for a while then they moved to the drawer and for some reason, stayed there. when i thought of this idea i instantly thought of those little seeds. seeds suits me, i think, more than other types of beads do. seeds feels like… potential.




Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 9:25 am

every 20 minutes or so.

the nice thing about a white dog is that you dont have to paint the white bits.

one day i want to do a time-lapse video.


December 21, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 7:24 pm

i actually feel like i am two different people. jim took the girls out christmas shopping for a few hours so i could plug away at this westie portrait. (handsome dog, but apparently he’s a terror). now i feel like i’ve reached a grounded, stable equilibrium. i feel like this must be what i would be like if i wasnt also stuck in this other weird world of mine so much of the time. i feel capable of anything right now. i am bold, strong, beautiful. i can wear a bikini and show everybody my belly. i am a momma bear who does not let rude, disrespectful grandparents push me around cause i know where i stand. but thats only out here.

i told jims mom its like a haunted house – while you are standing outside in the line you know that where you are about to go is not real, you joke and talk with your friends in the real world. then you go in the haunted house and suddenly the haunted house is very, very real. it turns you upside down and takes away everything that was the truth just a few minutes ago, and this is your new real. and its terrifying.  its too strong to fight back against and you completely forget where you just were while you were outside. no more bold strong or beautiful. its burden, helpless, waste of time, incapable of anything.

then you reach the end of the haunted house and go outside again and the world rushes back in, and you can see that it was all actors and lights and smoke and mirrors, food colouring and cornstarch.then its okay again.

both places are very real while you are there. the trouble is i am living in the haunted house for gradually longer and longer periods of time. its getting too real in there. i dont really see it until i’m out again. but i can’t stop getting back in the lineup again. i can’t turn this around while i’m in it.

so i split my time between living in two different places, being two different people. except i’m loosing touch with one. i feel like the haunted house is real – really real. reality is fading at the edges.

rhea said “you are so steady and confident. you’ve always been so well-spoken and you’re such a good listener. you could be a life coach – people need someone who is steady like that in a tough time.” i am amazed at this observation cause i think of myself in a totally different way with none of those words coming into it at all. i nearly tell her “rhea, that’s crazy. i am in a deep hole of depression, i have an anxiety disorder and apparently i also have a personality disorder now too. i’m really not okay. i don’t know what you’re talking about.” i cant imagine what i’ve shown to her to make her feel like i am this way. i don’t recognize myself in that description.

i need something to root me here. i need four feet on the ground instead of two.


while i paint, i am taking a photo every 20 minutes or so. i havent done this in a long time but its pretty neat to see the picture grow over time. i’ll share it later.


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Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 6:51 pm

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