i actually feel like i am two different people. jim took the girls out christmas shopping for a few hours so i could plug away at this westie portrait. (handsome dog, but apparently he’s a terror). now i feel like i’ve reached a grounded, stable equilibrium. i feel like this must be what i would be like if i wasnt also stuck in this other weird world of mine so much of the time. i feel capable of anything right now. i am bold, strong, beautiful. i can wear a bikini and show everybody my belly. i am a momma bear who does not let rude, disrespectful grandparents push me around cause i know where i stand. but thats only out here.
i told jims mom its like a haunted house – while you are standing outside in the line you know that where you are about to go is not real, you joke and talk with your friends in the real world. then you go in the haunted house and suddenly the haunted house is very, very real. it turns you upside down and takes away everything that was the truth just a few minutes ago, and this is your new real. and its terrifying. its too strong to fight back against and you completely forget where you just were while you were outside. no more bold strong or beautiful. its burden, helpless, waste of time, incapable of anything.
then you reach the end of the haunted house and go outside again and the world rushes back in, and you can see that it was all actors and lights and smoke and mirrors, food colouring and cornstarch.then its okay again.
both places are very real while you are there. the trouble is i am living in the haunted house for gradually longer and longer periods of time. its getting too real in there. i dont really see it until i’m out again. but i can’t stop getting back in the lineup again. i can’t turn this around while i’m in it.
so i split my time between living in two different places, being two different people. except i’m loosing touch with one. i feel like the haunted house is real – really real. reality is fading at the edges.
rhea said “you are so steady and confident. you’ve always been so well-spoken and you’re such a good listener. you could be a life coach – people need someone who is steady like that in a tough time.” i am amazed at this observation cause i think of myself in a totally different way with none of those words coming into it at all. i nearly tell her “rhea, that’s crazy. i am in a deep hole of depression, i have an anxiety disorder and apparently i also have a personality disorder now too. i’m really not okay. i don’t know what you’re talking about.” i cant imagine what i’ve shown to her to make her feel like i am this way. i don’t recognize myself in that description.
i need something to root me here. i need four feet on the ground instead of two.
while i paint, i am taking a photo every 20 minutes or so. i havent done this in a long time but its pretty neat to see the picture grow over time. i’ll share it later.