theres so many babies on their way right now, everybody around us seems to be expecting. i think i am addicted to pregnancy, and i will live through these other women since i am in no way ready to do it again myself yet. (i think blaze is the middle child, not the last. but not for awhile.)
one of jims colleagues is nearly 12 weeks along and not sure what to do. i met with her today to help her decide if she wants to keep it or not. we talked for a few hours, i told her as genuinely, honestly as i could how its hard and how much you give up and at the same time how you learn how strong you are, and what issues have come from having kids thats strained our relationship. i told her what we went through when we wondered if we should keep my first pregnany or not, the things we had to think about and consider and where we were at the time. obviously shes in a unique situation thats different than mine was, but i can offer her my feedback and help her to bounce her feelings and thoughts off of me. i am telling her these things not because i want to scare her or influence her decision in any way, i just want her to get a feeling, as best as she can, of what shes likely getting into. she really really appreciated hearing it – nobody tells you how scary it is. cause this picture here?
this is not what it looks like. at all. i dont think that mothers tell other soon-to-be mothers whats really going to happen, and stupid pictures like this give a false impression that can end up being damaging if you think that your life should look like this but it refuses to. in the end, its not really a black and white, good choice-bad choice decision, she’ll find that whatever she chooses will probably work out in the end just fine, its just picking which route she wants to continue on from here. (also, abortion isnt viewed the same way in europe as it is here, she has a different view on it than i do and the first thing i tried to do was get a feeling of what abortion meant to her) what i’m hearing from her is that she’ll very likely keep it, shes just feeling uncertain and scared cause everything that she thought was going to happen within the next year or so just fell out from under her.
im getting really annoyed with this disposable diaper issue. we chose to put cordelia and blaze in cloth diapers for many reasons, some of them close to home and specifically about the girls (chemicals in the diaper on their skin all day long, cordelia tends to have bad rash in one particular brand, a couple known carcinogens regularly show up in disposable diapers, the same gel thats used in disposable diapers was in the tampons that ended up turning out to be what caused toxic shock) and then bigger reasons like i do not want to contribute to the something like 2 billion diapers that hit the landfil every year. both girls wear disposables when its necessary (like at night, where the cloth diapers cant handle the long haul) and on the odd day that the cloth diapers are in the wash and we’ve run out. (actually cordelia tends to be naked if we are home if this happens.) but we would really prefer that it stays as an ‘as necessary’ thing that happens only once in a while. unfortunately jims parents arent exactly respectful on this one.
details and specifics aside, there is a trend here and what it really comes down to is that i hate that they wont listen to us. right now its little things – too much juice or milk, disposable diapers when its not needed and we dont want it, and while i do really appreciate everything that they do and have done for us and that they will take the girls quite often for us, i really get annoyed when they overrule our choices. its not like we are really asking very much or that we are being very difficult, and i dont feel that we are being too picky, but i also dont want to be a real stickler and be the scary mom who you can never do anything right by. but really, i am annoyed because i constantly feel like they aren’t listening, so we constantly run into the same type of issue over and over.