feeling the need to chop off my hair again. its not even as if its that long. i kinda want to wait until after the wedding cause its already so short i have no idea what to do with it to make pretty wedding hair and cutting off more of it doesnt feel like it will improve that.but i feel like i need something to change right now.
natasha told us about how she lives without obligation to anybody. she decided about 7 years ago to cut out the obligation she felt towards other people, and it eliminated a lot of her stress and guilt. i frequently look at natasha and think that i would love to live the way she seems to be living, and her point about consciously deciding to not be obligated to anybody makes a lot of sense. it doesnt mean that you become selfish or do things without thinking about how they impact others or that it gives you freedom to hurt other people ‘because you have no obligation not to hurt them’ its just that, as she explained it, there will be people who will want you to do things but will not do anything for you in return, and you owe them nothing. you do not owe anything back to anybody. when you do something nice or good for somebody, you do it because you want or need to, not because you feel obligated.
i thought about if i ever feel obligated to cordelia, who is the best example of somebody who can only act selfishly and cannot yet give me much in return for all i do for her. i realize i do not feel obligated to her at all. i do things for her because i want or need to. obligation and motherhood are very seperate things, although i havent worked out quite how yet.
im still getting used to the feeling that i dont have to ask anybody for permission to do anything. i thought this morning about how i think i would like a ferret at some point, and realized that there was actually nothing stopping me from getting on craigslist and finding a ferret cage this afternoon (the ferret may or may not come from craigslist, of course). i wont do it because its not time for a ferret yet, but the freedom that i could do that if i wanted to and will do that when it is time for a ferret without having to ask anybodys permission first is astounding.
reading gradually more and more about BPD is just making me angry and motivated to get out of it. theres really a diagnosis for all the shit i’ve been putting up with? that means that it can go away. now im able to see more and more where ive been unable to see whats real or not, and how much of that i don’t need anymore. never needed. and im mad that ive put up with it so long. i told the psychiatrist who checks in with me once a month or so now that i can see where all my energy is going and that theres so much wasted time on my bad days, i end up putting so much into this BPD thing and im tired of it.