springtwist

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December 8, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 11:30 am

i feel like im reaching a limit here. which is a bit scary becasue i only have two exams to get through. this is not the worst of what school will be like – placement on top of classes will be super hard. if i can’t handle two exams then placement will kill me.

i have done nothing today. the thought of doing anything is daunting. there’s so much to do and i want to go sit in a hole somewhere – i am getting ‘you need to slow down right now’ signals from myself. i have to ignore this becasue! i need to study – i need to, i don’t have much time left now. i need to clean up my fucking house. i need to seriously clean it, like the walls and the baseboards and pull out the fridge and get all the shit out from under and behind the couch and whatever is behind the toilet. i do not have the time or the energy or the motivation and yet it still needs to be done.

i went to class all day yesterday. and came home to a fucking disaster. its like punishment for going to class. it falls to me because im the only one who is home to do it.

 

November 24, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 11:24 am

cleaning this place is a full time job. i cannot put in that amount of work.

my mom was here yesterday and together we got a bunch of stuff done, then i went to class and she hung out with thalia. when i left i had everything off the floor, and vacuumed. when i got home, not even 12 hours later, it was back to what it was before. i know for a fact that it was tidy because i did it. i have witnesses. i simply don’t have the time.

i have about 18 seconds before thalia makes her way over her and asks “boob-boob mama?” she was watching her favourite dog show but just climbed of the couch and is headed over here.

i have two weeks of class left for anatomy and one week of class left for my other classes. i got my anatomy homework in, i talked to my prof about my big paper, i made a plan and i started to work on the ethics stuff for the paper. i need to write one last paper for next week. its a super short one, but involves me reading some shit first. need to budget time for that. then we jump straight into exams!

yesterday i knocked a bunch of things off my to do list and kept moving all day long. Wednesdays are my longest days. i have this cough still leftover from like a month ago, and my mom said “are you sick again?” i said “no its the same cough. i dont slow down enough to get better”.

so today feels like it needs to be slow. its grey and rainy. it snowed last night but it didn’t stay until the morning. meeting a friend for coffee for an hour soon. making plans to go to the science centre on the weekend. considering looking for more professional help with what the fuck we do with blaze – her tantrums and fights are getting more and more intense and everybody is suffering. the other day when i picked them up from school, she crawled on all fours across the school yard screaming, refusing to get up and walk. it was about mittens. shes smacking people now – screaming, threatening, trying her hand at experimenting with blackmail, (she told jim the other day that if he didn’t make her exactly what she wanted for dinner she would leave this family. jims like ‘yeah okay. good try. now eat your cucumbers please.’) and then walloping anyone who is nearby.  im going to talk to sondra first, she was a family counselor for 10 years. she will come with her own biases becasue she knows us – but she may also be able to offer something different for exactly the same reason.  jim and i talked about signing her up fro kids meditation classes as she actually cannot calm down. she gets so worked up and then she cries and yells about how shes trying to do big breaths and calm herself down but she just can’t.

theres a childrens yoga/meditation practice at the zen Buddhist temple. i went there a few years ago for a meditation class.

 

November 9, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 11:53 pm

i. will.crash. soon.

i can see it coming. i wonder what the tipping point will be.

 

back on track November 6, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 9:07 am

spent a few days not paying attention to school work. we went to the agricultural fair all day yesterday, i spent friday in class but pulling the age old ‘fake it til you make it’ technique because i had not read a single thing because i spent the whole week writing that paper. nodding in all the right places when someone said something significant and making noises like “hmmm…. ” like i was considering some deep thought from the readings i had not read worked out beautifully.

today will be spent noodling around at home, cleaning. cleaning, cleaning cleaing. CLEANING. this place is an absoulte disaster. important things are cat litter, guinea pigs, wash diapers and laundry.

before wed:
look at anatomy slides
anatomy textbook readings
read papers for CARL and look at slides

before friday:
read all WAD papers
make sure our presentation outline makes it in on time

i got out the potty on a whim and sat Thalia on it. she pooed on the potty so i was excited and a bit proud. then later she pooed on the floor so i was humbled and put right back in my place again.

 

i am eating cold noodles out of a plastic bag October 24, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 10:00 am

in the shower yesterday morning ,and i thought about how something had to give. theres no way i can keep up on everything, and 7 weeks in i have settled into a comfortable new… routine? maybe.

i cant slide on school. i can’t slide on readings, papers, classes, keeping up with all that stuff. i can’t slide on my girls or my family. the things that are sliding, are cleaning, chores, and eating proper food. we are dishing up noodles with butter on them far to often these days, because its the fastest thing and they will all eat it without a fuss. i want to get back to having better food around.

im sliding on feeding myself, on taking care of my body. which is why i found myself 5 pounds up and eating noodles out of a ziploc bag that i grabbed out of the fridge. its why i found myself eating a fish stick (???? seriously???) at my moms house. (they are awful. don’t bother trying it.) because it was the fastest thing i could pop in my mouth and then go back to the computer to keep trucking away at this paper. the measly 5 pounds doesn’t worry me – i am not even sure where it is, but its my first clue – i need to keep up with taking care of my body. which means not feeding it fish sticks anymore.

im going to be a midwife. midwives use their bodies all the time – they are a big tool. get down on the floor, upside down, then catch a baby. fold yourself into weird shapes in order to get a doppler on a mom who is on her hands and knees in the tub. hold up a mama while she pushes. carry giant hockey bags full of equipment up stairs at lighting speed. stay up for 20 hours and be okay. i need to keep up with all that, and thats going to have to start soon.

 

 

October 20, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 4:35 pm

tired today. really tired.

Thalia went to bed like normal. three hours later, when i snuck into bed with her and shifted her over, she stirred a bit. its is normal – she flips over, snuggles into me, has a milky snack, and then rolls over and goes back to sleep.

not yesterday.

last night she woke up. she sat up, perked up, and wanted to play. she flopped all over the place, squealed, played peek-a-boo – all at 11:45. she heard jim in the kitchen and said “dada? dada! dadadada!” and then climbed out of bed and went to find him. just as happy as can bee. perfectly well rested, since she just had a three hour nap.

so jim went to bed and me and thalia stayed up and watched a movie. i tried not ot look at the clock, because it was too depressing. but she was finally ready to sleep again at 3am. i tucked her into bed and crawled in beside her. 2 seconds later my alarm went off. got the girls out of bed. fell into the routine of getting them to school.

the whole day has been slow. Thalia is grumpy and sick with a fever on and off. she went down for an early nap and i joined her so we slept for half the day. woke up feeling slightly better, but now most of the day is gone and im still feeling groggy. its not a day for school work, or cleaning, or whatever. its a day for cuddling the baby and noodling around, pushing through all the laundry so we arent naked soon. (seriously. it was getting desperate)

my exam is over so thats nice. now i need to focus on my lit review, and then look at the next big paper. it’ll be fine, i’ve got a handle on it all still. but right now, thalia is a sad, snotty little girl with a big cough.

 

October 17, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — springtwist @ 12:03 pm

today is crap

its grey. the sun never came up. i feel inherently sad and can’t shake it. i made plans to go out tonight with sondra, and then jim reminded me that actually he is going to the baseball game. so he will be gone all evening. then he will be gone tomorrow evening for hockey. then i will be gone wed evening for an exam and class, and then he will be gone thursday for more hockey. i think i hate hockey. i know i hate baseball.

i am supposed to be studying, or reading one of the 98 articles that i need to get through, but think what im going to do today is just opt out of everything. no laundry no scrubbing the toilet bowl no thinking about grocery shopping and at least for a little while, no studying. no reading 98 articles (read two yesterday) no answering the phone, no text messages. i am hunkering down and chilling out. i can take a hint – i will burn out soon if i am not careful.